Civil Wart/Transcript

Hop Pop: Ah, Theater night. The one night a month we come together, watch our stories, and forget all our horrible, horrible troubles.

All: [sigh]

Hop Pop: Now who wants popcorn?

Anne: Oh, me, me!

Polly: I do!

Arguing frogs: My seat!

Lavender, Ginger, and Rosemary: [chanting] Theater night, theater night!

Sprig(looking for a seat): Oh! Right in the middle! Dibs!

Polly: That seat is mine!

Sprig: Not if I get there first.

Polly: Oh! [gasps]

Sprig: Boom!

Polly: No fair. You have appendages.

Hop Pop: Tut-tut. Sprig, give Polly the seat.

Sprig: Say what? Come on, Hop Pop. I got here first. [grunts]

Hop Pop: That's what older brothers do, Sprig. They look out for their little sisters. Now, move that rump over to that stump.

Sprig: [gasps] [groans]

Anne: Bummer, dude.

Sprig: [sighs] It's just not fair. Just because she's a little younger, she always gets special treatment.

Anne: I'm an only child, so I don't relate. All my parents' attention was focused on me. And it was... awesome.

Sprig: [blows raspberry] Lucky you.

Toadstool: All right, now. Everybody settle down. I have some bad news. The acting troupe had to cancel on account of...well, being eaten on the way here.

All: [booing]

Mrs Croaker: We need our stories!

Anne: Hold up, everyone. I have something that might work. It's called a "movie." It's like a play, but totally better.

[crowd murmuring]

Villager: A moovie.

Anne: Thanks, Chad, local glass artisan.

Chad: Yep.

Anne: Okay, so tonight I'm going to be showing the timeless classic Love Choice, which has always been one of my favorites because--

Mrs. Croaker: Just start the movie!

Anne: [laughs] You got it.

(Presses button, the movie doesn't start)

Anne: Dang it.

(Presses button again, this time it works)

Narrator: In the not so distant future, three grounded yet supernatural teens must navigate their feelings if they hope to survive.

Hop Pop: Wait, how could they be both grounded and supernatural?

Anne: [shushes]

''Constance: Oh, Hunter. I know that together we'll make it through this nightmare.''

Hunter: Constance, my cybernetic abs belong to you and you alone.

[techno music plays]

[crowd murmurs]

Polly: Hmm, Polly likey.

''Constance: I know I said I liked Hunter, but I can't help but be drawn to you as well, Alastair.

Alastair: May I sing you the traditional song of my people?''

[shrieking]

Sprig: I like this Alastair. He's ethereal, yet approachable.

''Constance: It is now time for me to make my love choice. I choose... I choose...''

[bird shrieks and grabs her]

[screams]

Hunter: Constance!

[flute music]

Alastair: We must go after her!

Both: I'll save you, Constance!

Narrator: To be continued...

[audience gasps]

Mrs. Croaker: What? That was the end?

Wally: Who did she pick? I'm so frustrated right now!

Anne: Believe me, guys. Been there. They are making a sequel, Love Choice 2, but it's not out yet.

Polly: I'll tell you who she picks! Hunter! He's a beefcake.

Sprig: What? She should pick Alastair. He's a thinker. A dreamer.

[crowd clamoring]

Polly: Listen up! I don't even want to live in a town with someone who likes Alastair.

Sprig: Well, I don't want to live in a town with someone who likes Hunter.

Polly: That does it! Everybody who chooses Hunter, get behind me!

Wally: Yeah!

Toadie: He looks strong.

Felicia: He's so attractive.

Sprig: Well, anyone who likes Alastair can get behind me!

Mrs. Croaker: Alastair's my man!

Villager: Definitely Alastair.

Hop Pop: Excuse me, pardon me.

Mrs. Croaker: Hey!

Hop Pop: Sprig, just let Polly win this one, before things get even worse.

Sprig: Sorry, Hop Pop. But I've had it with this pollywog and her special treatment. We ain't backing down!

Polly: This means war!

[crowds shouting indistinctly; both sides exit]

Anne: I have a bad feeling about this.

Hop Pop: Eh, I'm sure by morning clearer heads will prevail.

(The next day; the town is split in half, with roofs of buildings painted red or purple for Hunter or Alastair.)

Hop Pop: Or, you know, not.

Anne: I don't believe this. The town is split right down the middle.

All: [chanting] Hail Alastair!

Sprig: Hmm...

All: [chanting] Hail Hunter!

Polly: Hmm...

Anne: This is just like an Internet message board...but IRL.

Hop Pop: Were things on this "Internet" resolved in peaceful and civilized ways?

Anne: See for yourself, dude.

Hunter frog: Oh, gosh. I forgot my house is over in Alastairtown. Ow! Ow!

Alastair frog: Take that, you stinking Hunterite.

[laughs]

[laughing]

Anne: If we don't do something fast, this whole town is going to tear itself apart.

Hop Pop: Polly and Sprig are the ringleaders. If we can just get them to get along, we'll be fine.

Sprig: [shrieking]

Female frog: Amazing, Leader Sprig.

Male frog: You have the voice of an angel.

Stumpy: Deer Sprig, you have a visitor.

Mrs. Croaker: Should we throw her in the deer prison?

Sprig: No, no. It's okay. Thank you, Deer Stumpy and Deer Croaker. Take five, deer friends.

All: Mmm.

Sprig: Anne, great to see ya. Are you here to join our deer choir?

Anne: Nope. I'm here to tell you this dumb feud with Polly is dumb. And you need to end it. Just let her have this one, dude.

Sprig: You're an only child, Anne. You don't understand. I'm always giving up things for Polly. Well, no more! The only way to end this is if Polly submits to me!

Anne: But--

Sprig: We're done here.

(Plays panpipes - Maddie and Toadstool jump out of nearby bushes and grab Anne.)

Maddie: Ha!

Toadstool: [groans] Got you.

Anne: Oh, come on. This isn't cool, Sprig. This isn't cool!

Sprig: That's Deer Sprig to you.

Toadstool: And stay out of Alastairville.

Hop Pop: Anne! Polly's not budging. She won't even see Sprig till he surrenders. Not only that, but they graffitied my tum-tum. Any luck on your end?

Anne: Nope.

Hop Pop: How are those kids supposed to make up if they won't even see one another?

Anne: I know, right? We've got to get them together. But how...Hey, Hop Pop. You ever play capture the flag?

Alastair frog: So I named my kid Alastair last night.

Alastair frog: Wow, you're a good dad.

Anne: (Hops out of pipe and starts cutting down flagpole)

Sprig(to Mrs. Croaker): Personally, my favorite thing about Alastair is how he's not afraid to cry.

Mrs. Croaker: [screams]

Sprig: No! She's stealing the sacred flag! Quick, sound the alarm!

Anne: [panting] Uh-oh.

Hunter frog: Chief Polly, an old man is climbing the flagpole.

Polly: Somebody get him!

Toadie: For Hunter!

Hop Pop: Ha! Got it! [laughs] Anne, you did it!

Toadie: Got you!

Hop Pop: (Kicks him away - he falls to the ground.)

Toadie: For Hunter!

Hop Pop: Eh, he'll be fine. Whee!

Anne: [panting] No Hop Pop yet. Oh, man. I hope he was able to get the flag--

Hop Pop: Watch out!

Anne: Whoo! Both flags captured!

Hop Pop: Now what?

Anne: Now this.

[crowd clamoring]

Anne: Ha ha! Tricked you all! Now that you're face-to-face, how about discussing this like civilized--Whoa!

Polly: So, older brother, you here to finally admit I'm right and surrender to the...Hunter tribe?

Sprig: Death first!

Polly: Then perish!

(Both sides begin throwing fruit.)

[all grunting]

[groans]

Sprig: Take this, you brutes!

Anne: Well, at least we brought them together to clear the air, right?

Hop Pop: Too bad they couldn't--[gasps]

Anne: Aah!

Sprig: Retreat, my dear brethren!

Polly: [laughs] After those wimpy deer cowards!

Crowd: Hail Hunter!

Polly: Wait...Something's off.

Hunter Frog: Aah!

Hunter Frog: Ow!

Polly: It's a trap!

Sprig: [laughing] Ambush!

[panting, grunting]

(Polly goes down an alley and gets trapped; the Alastair clan are on both sides with fruit.)

Sprig: You lose, Polly. Looks like your special treatment couldn't help you this time. Now just surrender--

Mrs. Croaker: Enough talk! Let her have it!

Sprig: Uh, what?

Toadstool: Incoming!

[shouting]

(Fruit flies towards Polly.)

Hop Pop's voice: That's what older brothers do, Sprig. They look out for their little sisters.

Polly: [shudders]

Sprig: Uh...What have I done?

Sprig: No!

(He jumps in front of Polly; the fruit hits him instead.)

[splattering]

[grunting]

[crowd gasping]

[Sprig groans]

Polly: [crying] Why, Sprig? I don't understand. Why?

Sprig: Because seeing you in danger made me realize...it doesn't matter what's fair. What matters is that I'm here to take care of you. We surrender, Polly. [coughs] We... surrender.

Polly: Brother...No...No![crying]

(Dramatic music)

Sprig: Hoo! All right, folks. Pack it in, we're done.

Polly: Yeah, this thing is pretty played out.

[crowd cheering]

Anne: Wait, what?

Villager(dragging away a cannon): Glad I finally got a chance to use this bad boy.

Mrs. Croaker: Now, that was exciting.

Anne: You guys were at each other's throats just a second ago. Are you seriously over this already?

Hop Pop: Oh, that's just the way we are, Anne. You should have seen last year's avocados versus almonds fiasco. We almost tore this place to the ground.

Mrs. Croaker: Whew, good thing it's over. I don't even remember what we were fighting about.

Sprig: I can't believe we almost killed each other over a work of fiction.

Polly: I know, right? Can we watch another one?

Sprig: Hmm...

Polly: Hey, Sprig! Over here! I saved you a spot.

Sprig: And I brought you some sweets.

Polly: You're a good older brother, Sprig.

Hop Pop: Aww, well, ain't that nice. Now scooch over. I need a seat.

Anne: Hello, everyone! For tonight, I've picked a conflict-free independent film called My Dinner with Anders. But before we start, a little context.

Crowd: Just start the movie!

Anne: [laughs] You got it.

(Clicks the button.)