Cracking Mrs. Croaker/Transcript

Felicia: Hi, Sprig. Thanks for your help in the tea shop the other day.

Sprig: No problem, Felicia. I had a tea-rrific time.

Felicia: [chuckles] Oh, come here, you little charmer.

Sprig: [laughing]

Felicia: Oh, look at you. Okay, bye.

Sprig: All right, see ya.

Jerry: Hiya, Sprig.

Sprig: Heya, Jerry.

Patrick: Top of the mornin' to you, Sprig.

Sprig: Lookin' good, Patrick.

Ferraiolo: Buongiorno, Sprig.

Sprig: Hey, all right!

Anne: Wow. People around here really seem to like Sprig.

Polly: Yep, he's always been something of a town favorite.

(Sprig makes a Kawaii-like face.)

Polly: Those big eyes and goofy grin are hard to resist.

[horn honks]

Sprig: Hey-hey! Here comes Mrs. Croaker. Hi, Mrs. Croaker!

(Mrs. Croaker zooms right past without saying hi.)

Sprig: Heh. This thing broken?

Anne, Polly: Hi, Mrs. Croaker!

Mrs. Croaker: Well, hello, Anne. Polly.

Polly: [giggling]

Sprig: [panting]

Sprig: Hi, Mrs. Croa...ker...? That was weird. Guys, you aren't gonna believe this, but...I don't think Mrs. Croaker likes me!!

Anne: Huh. So what do you think Hop Pop's making for dinner tonight?

Sprig: How could she not like me? I'm Sprig. The fun Plantar!

Anne: Don't worry about it, dude. It's okay if one person doesn't like you.

Sprig: You know what, Anne, you're right. This is not okay.

Anne: That's literally the opposite of what I just said.

Sprig: Looks like it's time to crank up the charm on this widow.

(He holds the door open for Mrs. Croaker on the way out of the store.)

Sprig: [chuckles] After you, m'lady. What?

Frog: Oh, hey. Thanks so much--

Sprig(trying to grab Mrs. Croaker's groceries from her): Wait. Uh, let me help you with that. [straining] Whoa!

[crash]

Sprig: No, wait! Mrs. Croaker, come back. [sobbing] Acknowledge me!

Polly: That was the saddest thing I've ever seen. And I've seen some things.

Sprig: How can I fix this?

Anne: Totally feel for you, dude. I had the same issue with a girl named Jamie Krieger back home. My advice? Just let it go.

Sprig: You know what, Anne? You're right. I can't just let this go. I have to get Mrs. Croaker to like me. And I can't do that unless I know more about her. Fact-finding mission, engage! Haha!

Anne: Sprig! [sighs]

Polly: Get used to this feeling.

(Sprig starts interviewing townspeople about Mrs. Croaker.)

Stumpy: Croaker? She's just a kooky old spider lady. What's there to know?

Loggle: I think she was born that old. She looked exactly the same when I was a kid.

Maddie: She smells like wet leaves and fungus. I love it.

Mr. Flour(from upstairs): Maddie, the buns are burning!

Maddie: [screams]

(Anne and Polly are still in front of the grocery store. Anne is playing a game on her phone while Polly watches.)

Polly: Come on, Anne. Shake that man. Shake him.

Sprig: [groans] I spent all day and I know even less about her than I did before.

Hop Pop(emerging from the store): Sorry about the wait, kids.

Sprig: Hop Pop! Mrs. Croaker doesn't like me!

Hop Pop: Huh. So, what do you kids want for dinner? I was thinking ravioli.

Anne: Aw, yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Sprig: [sighs]

Sprig(bursting into Anne's room at home): Anne! I've got it.

Anne: [screams]

Sprig: I have a completely reasonable plan for getting Mrs. Croaker to like me.

Anne: Glad to hear it. Lay it on me.

Sprig: Well, I'm going to break into her house, search through her belongings, find the key to her secret wishes, and make them all come true.

Anne: Dude, what? That's completely crazy pants! Listen, Sprig, Mrs. Croaker is just like Jamie Krieger, who, for some inexplicable reason, didn't like me.

Sprig: Anne, this is totally different. This is about me. I'm totally likable. While you can be a bit...

Anne: Go on.

Sprig:...likable. Also.

Anne: Darn right I'm likable. I gave Jamie all my pudding cups at lunch. Even the chocolate ones with the vanilla ribbons. And nothing. What was her problem?

Polly(looking down from the top of the stairs): Will you two stop yelling? You know there's no soundproofing on these walls, right?

Anne: Wait, seriously?

Sprig: Yep. Don't you hear Hop Pop yodel himself to sleep every night?

Anne: [gasps] I thought it was a stray animal or something.

Polly: Nope, just our Hop Pop bein' a freak.

[banging]

Hop Pop(from upstairs): You're a freak!

Sprig: Welp, I've got a house to break into, so...

[grunting]

(Sprig hides as Mrs. Croaker is leaving her house. He sneaks inside once she's gone.)

Sprig: All right, Mrs. Croaker. Let's see what you're all about. Huh. Wonder what kind of books she reads.

(He picks up a romance novel entitled "In the Heat of the Swamp" with a frog couple on the front.)

Sprig: That's gonna be hard to forget. [chuckles] Ooh, candy. (He tries taking a piece from a bowl, but it's all stuck together.) Ew, gross. Uh-oh. (The candy sticks to his hand; while trying to get it off he damages her cabinet.)

[shatters]

Sprig(looking at a set of fake teeth): Whoa. Probably shouldn't put these in my mouth. I'm gonna do it. [slurps]

Anne(coming in with Polly): Sprig! Psst! You gotta get outta here, man.

Sprig(holding a bundle of stuff): Oh, hi, guys. Come to help?

Anne: Uh, yeah, you need help, bud. But not with this.

Polly: This is deranged!

Anne: All right, dude, put the stuff back. We're leaving.

Sprig: What? No.

Anne(trying to grab the stuff from him): Come on, Sprig!

[both struggling]

(The stuff flies everywhere and a chest labeled "Secret Memories" opens. Several pictures come out.)

Anne: What the--

Sprig: Hey! Is that Mrs. Croaker?

Anne: Dang, she was hot.

Sprig: Hold on. Who is that? [gasps] Here he is again. Wait a second. Oh, my gosh. Mrs. Croaker has a long-lost love. Jonah this. Jonah that. Even a map of where he might be. There's a frog out there that wants to be with her, and that she wants to be with.

Anne: Hmm. It does kinda seem like she's obsessed with him.

Polly: I guess it's possible.

Sprig: I'm going to hunt down that frog and reunite them. And then, she won't like me. Oh, no. She'll love me.

[manic laughter]

[door closes]

Anne(to Polly): So, you wanna stay here and look at more pictures of hot Croaker?

Polly: You read my mind.

Sprig: Hmm. [gasps] Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, I found it. Okay, Sprig, be cool. Be cool. Come on out, Jonah. Do I have a surprise for you!

Jonah: Eh? Who's there? You from the Puzzle of the Month Club?

Sprig: Nope. I'm here on behalf of Sadie Croaker.

Jonah: Sadie? Sadie Croaker sent you?

Sprig: Well, no. It's a long story, but--

Jonah: This is incredible. I've been searching for Sadie for 30 years!

Sprig: [gasps] I knew it.

Jonah: Now then, can you tell me where she's been all this time?

Sprig: I'll do you one better. I'll take you right to her.

Jonah: Oh, yes! Son, you just made this lonely old frog [inhales] very happy. Mmm.

Sprig: Great. Now let's go.

Jonah: Here I come, Sadie.

Anne: Sprig, where have you been? And who is the strange man attached to you?

Sprig: Ahem, this handsome bachelor happens to be the frog that is going to make Mrs. Croaker like me forever.

Jonah: Name's Jonah.

Sprig: Okay. Let's get this show on the road. Mrs. Croaker! Do I have a surprise for you.

Mrs. Croaker: Ooh! Is it the Puzzle of the Month Club? [gasps] J-- Jonah?

Jonah: Sadie.

Mrs. Croaker: Jonah?

Sprig: [gasps] Oh, my gosh, they're about to flirt. [squeals]

Jonah: It really is you.

Mrs. Croaker: What are you doing here?

Jonah: Sadie Croaker, there's something I've been wanting to tell you for 30 years.

Sprig: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Jonah: Sadie Croaker...prepare to die! [manic laughter]

Sprig: Wait, what?

Jonah: Sadie, Sadie, Sadie. You thought you got the best of me in Bogwater Canyon, but I haven't forgotten.

Sprig: Jonah, this isn't romantic!

Jonah: The Guild would surely take me back if I took you down. Thirty years I been searching for ya, but you hid too well. But now, thanks to this weird little frog leading me straight to you, your time is up.

Sprig: Uh... [nervous laughter]

Mrs. Croaker: You should have let sleeping frogs lie and stayed away. You'd have spared yourself from what's about to happen.

Jonah: Ha! What're you gonna do to me now? You're just an old woman.

Mrs. Croaker: You're old!

Jonah: You're old!

Mrs. Croaker: You're old!

Jonah: You're old!

Sprig: No. He's right. She is just an old woman. I'll save you, Mrs. Croaker.

[grunts]

Mrs. Croaker: Step aside, boy.

[grunts, laughs]

Mrs. Croaker: Bleh! Put your clothes back on, you pervert.

Polly: Whoo! Yeah, Croaker! Mess him up.

[both grunting]

[screaming]

Anne: Whoa. That was--

Polly: Awesome!

Sprig: What just happened?

[muffled groaning]

Mrs. Croaker: Nothing happened. Nothing at all. Because if word of this gets out, let's just say it would be very bad for everyone. Are we clear?

Anne: These lips be zipped.

Polly: Didn't see a thing.

Sprig: Yes, of course. So sorry.

Mrs. Croaker: All right, boy. What's this all about? Spill it.

Sprig: I wanted to get you to like me. So I kind of...snuck into your house and secretly went through all your things. [groans]

Mrs. Croaker: What?

Sprig: And I saw all this stuff about Jonah and I thought he was your long-lost love.

Mrs. Croaker: [laughing]

Sprig, Polly, Anne: [nervous laughter]

Jonah: [muffled laugh]

Mrs. Croaker: What an idiot. What makes you think you can please everyone, kid? Jonah here don't like me.

Jonah: It's true.

Mrs. Croaker(pointing to Anne and Polly): Plenty of people don't like those two.

Anne: Well, hey, now.

Polly: Mission accomplished.

Mrs. Croaker: And I just don't like you.

Sprig: But what did I do? Why don't you like me? I mean, I like you.

Mrs. Croaker: I don't know. Something about your big eyes and goofy smile rub me the wrong way.

Sprig: Oh.

Mrs. Croaker: But you did go through all that trouble to get me to like you. I guess I can try and like you back.

Sprig: Huh. Yeah, no, that's okay. You're right. Like me or don't like me, I'm fine.

Mrs. Croaker: [chuckles] Atta-kid.

Anne: Cool. Well, I guess we'll get going then.

Sprig: She likes me! Aw, yeah! Wa-pow! Good thing I brought this. (Pulls out a hat emblazoned with the words "She Likes Me".) She likes me. She likes me.

Anne(to Mrs. Croaker): You walked right into that one.

Polly: Good luck getting rid of him now.

Sprig: I'm likable. I'm lovable.

Mrs. Croaker: Aw, crud.

Sprig: She likes me!