Girl Time/Transcript

Sprig: This one's going all the way, baby.

(Spit lands in pond.)

Hop Pop: Heh! You call that a spit? Now watch this.

(Spit lands in pond.)

Anne: [groans] Just when I thought you guys couldn’t get any nastier.

(Sprig and Hop Pop gasp)

Hop Pop: Nasty? Why spiting is practically a sport in Wartwood.

Sprig: We even have a town record. Whoever breaks the record gets a trophy.

Anne: A trophy for spitting? I can’t believe you two are exposing Polly to this sort of—

(Polly interrupts Anne.)

Polly: THAT RECORD IS MINE!

(Polly outspits both.)

Hop Pop: That’s my little spitter.

Sprig: You can spit the frown off a widow.

Anne: Wait a second...

(Hop Pop picks his ear.)

Hop Pop: I always said you'd be the best in the family. Well, you take after your great aunt Gertrude.

(Hop Pop sniffs ear wax.)

Hop Pop: She was always very good at spitting...

(Hop Pop puts wax in his pocket.)

Anne: Oh, no. Polly, you've been surrounded by boys your whole life. It's not to late. I can fix this. You need girl time! She needs girl time! Hop Pop, wallet!

(Anne takes Hop Pop's wallet and takes Polly by the arm.)

Polly: Why are you taking me, crazy lady?!

Hop Pop: Not sure what she wants with my wallet, not like I got any money.

Sprig: Less talk, more spit.

Anne: Whoo! Girl time. It's time for giiiirrrrl time.

Polly: Okay, Anne, what the heck's going on?

Anne: Look, hanging out too much with Sprig and Hop Pop is dangerous. If we aren't careful, we'll wake crusty and storing our boogers in jars. We need a day to reset. A day that's ladies' only.

Polly: That sounds bad.

Anne: Look, when I'm done with you, you are going to feel like a new Polly. Trust me.

Polly: Well, I guess it couldn't hurt. Plus, you and Sprig are always getting into fun trouble. So what are we doing? Toad rustling? Snake punching?

Anne: Better. We're going to...

Anne: A spa.

Polly: What?

(Two frogs drift against each other)

Anne: Those guys know what's up.

Anne: Two of your fanciest spa treatments, please?

Spa staff: That will be ten coppers each.

Anne: What the--Hop Pop's IOU's? Uh, will this work?

Spa staff: Hmmm, well, it does say he's good for it. Accepted. Here are your towels.

Anne: Alrighty, then.

Polly: I don’t know, Anne. This seems boring. Why don’t we do something fun instead?

Anne: Polly, there’s more to life than spitting and hitting stuff.

Polly: Really?

Anne: Just trust me.

Polly: Well…

Anne: Girl time, engage!

(Anne and Polly getting spa treatments and haircuts.)

Barber: So then I says to him, I says, “I don’t want to eat there.” He says, “Why don’t you wanna eat there? You ate there last week, I thought you liked it.”

(After paying stylist, Anne and Polly go to Felicia's Tea Shoppe. Felicia hands out cookies.)

Customer: Thank you.

(She gives the cookies to Anne and Polly. Anne hands the recipient to Felicia)

Anne: Here you go.

(Polly tries to grab the cookies, but couldn’t reach them.)

Polly: Anne, I thought girl time was gonna be exciting. You and Sprig are always getting mobbed, or eaten, or eaten by mobs.

Anne: Yeah, but not by choice. Come on, isn’t this great? Sure beats pocket boogers and spitting, right?

(She eats a cookie from the plate.)

Anne: Excuse me, madam, what kind of scone is this?

Felicia: Oh, those are dung beetle.

Anne: [gulps] Tasty.

Felicia: Not to put my snout in other people’s business, but if you ladies are having girl time, I know this great place where you can get a full body massage.

Anne: What? I love massages. I used to get them all the time back home.

(Flashback: Anne in massage chair at department store.)

Salesman(flashback): Uh, ma'am, you really need to go. You’re making everybody uncomfortable.

Anne(flashback): Neeeeeeeeveeeeeeeeeeeer.

Anne: I never had a legit full body massage before. We're going.

(Polly feels upset)

Polly: You know what, I think I'll pass. Gotta get home and work on my distance.

(Polly begins to spit.)

Anne: [gasps] Polly Plantar, I am not giving up on you. If there’s one thing that will fix you, it's a massage.

(They leave. Felicia sees the IOUs.)

Felicia: (gasps) Someone get the Constable!

Anne: Uh, hello? Anyone here? Well, this place seems nice.

Tuti: I help you?

Anne: [screams] Hi. Who are you?

Tuti: Am town healer, Tuti. Also part-time bounty hunter.

Polly: I like her.

Anne: Tuti, huh? Well, we're here for that full body massage. Full body is good. Come, we get personal.

Anne: Ooh! I'll go first. Whoa, you frogs are really flexible, huh? Are you sure you know how to massage a human?

Tuti: Is same.

Anne: [grunts and shrieks]

Polly: Whoa, mama.

[grunts]

[shrieks]

Anne(eyes watering): This is amazing. So... relaxing. Is that my foot?

Polly: And on that note, I'm out.

Tuti: Is done. You are reborn.

Anne: Polly, you are going to love this.

Tuti: Pollywog gone. You talk to no one.

Anne: [gasps] What? She ditched me? But this is all for her. [groans] I got to find her and get this thing back on track. See you, Tuti.

Tuti: Hmm.

[door opens]

Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf: Afternoon, Tuti. Wonderin' if you've seen a couple of ol' scammers handing out these fake IOUs today.

Tuti: ''Scammers? Fake?'' [yells] Come. I lead way.

Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf: Fiery as ever, Tuti.

Wally: [burps]

Polly: [loud burp]

Wally: Dang, kid. You got the burp of a titan!

Polly: Thanks, Wally.

Anne: Hey! [panting]

Polly: Oh. Hey, Anne.

Anne: What the heck, dude? You ditched me? And now I find you rubbing elbows with the local deadbeat?

Wally: That hurt me soul.

Polly: Well, at least this guy doesn't waste my time with stuff I think is stupid and boring!

Anne: [gasps] Well, excuse me for trying to make you less of a disgusting little slob! [gasps]

Wally: (stunned)

Polly: (stunned)

Anne: Polly, I-- [stammers] That's not--I mean, what I mean is--(Screams suddenly as Tuti grabs her from behind.)

Tuti: Tuti caught thief!

Anne: Wait, what do you mean "thief"? I totally paid.

Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf: Sorry, little lady, but Hopadiah's broke. Which makes these IOUs you've been handing out totally worthless. (Steps aside to reveal Sprig and Hop Pop with handcuffs)

Anne: [gasps]

Sprig: These chains represent our burden on society!

Hop Pop: Dang it, Anne, how much did you spend?

Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf: Now pay up, or I'm gonna have to do my duty, and put y'all in debtor's prison.

Anne: We'll have to sit in a chicken coop?

Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf: Less like sittin' and more like gatherin' eggs for the town until your debt's paid off.

Anne: That doesn't sound so bad.

[screeching]

[screams]

Anne: No!

[all grunting]

Polly: You let my family go!

Anne: [gasps] That's it! Hey, mustache! Is that trophy made out of gold?

Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf: Twenty four karat, ma'am.

Anne: All right, Polly. Time to shine.

Polly: Wait, what?

Anne: Spit, dude. Spit like you've never spit before. Break that record, and save this family.

Polly: Let's do this.

Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf: Okay, little lady. You get three official chances. You ready?

(Polly spits twice, falling short.)

Villager: I don't think she's gonna make it.

Villager: It's not looking good.

Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf: Only one more chance, little lady.

Hop Pop: Something ain't right. She's not spitting at full force. Almost as if she's ashamed.

Anne: Yeah, and I think I know why. Hey, you okay?

Polly: Yeah. I guess it's just kinda hard to spit when you feel gross.

Anne: [sighs] Polly, I'm the gross one. I tried to change someone that's perfect the way they are.

Polly: You saying you were wrong?

Anne: Very wrong.

Polly: Super wrong?

Anne: Super wrong.

Polly: You're always wrong?

Anne: I'm always--Hey, not always.

Polly: Okay, just most of the time.

Anne: Mmm.

(They hug.)

Polly: Aw. Okay, let's finish this. (Spits and breaks record.)

[all cheering]

Anne: You did it!

(Tuti splits trophy and pays townspeople.)

Tuti: Here, extra.

Polly: Wow.

Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf: Well, your debt is repaid and my work here is done.

Sprig: Whoo-hoo! Go Polly!

Hop Pop: That's my little spitter.

Sprig: So what are we gonna do with the extra gold?

Anne: I think I have an idea.

Anne: A little to the left. There, that's perfect.

Sprig: [chuckles] Whoo-hoo!

Anne: Well?

Polly: I love it! Hey, sorry, girl time was such a bust.

Anne: Eh, don't worry about it. I mean, the more I think about it, the whole idea of girl time is pretty weird. I mean, who's to say boys don't like spas?

Sprig: [gasps] You went to the spa? Without us?

Hop Pop: Oh, Anne, I love the spa. Did you get that fishy pedicure?

Anne: Yeah, it was amazing.

Hop Pop: Oh, I agree. You know they're actually eating the dead skin off the bottom of your feet?