Family Shrub/Transcript

Anne: You know, Hop Pop, back home we call this a family tree.

Hop Pop: That's 'cause everyone in your world is crazy. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Great Aunt Gertrude. She was a masterful dirt tiller. I mean, how cool is that?

All: Eh.

Hop Pop: Oh, and you can't forget second cousin Alfred. He was the king!

All: [gasp] A king?

Hop Pop: Yeah! The king of single-tiered irrigation systems.

All: [groan]

Anne: Yep, you lost me.

Polly: Our ancestors were boring!

Sprig: Were they really all just farm frogs? Where are the artists? The poets? The dreamers?

Hop Pop: Just farm frogs? Kids, the point of the shrub is to give you an appreciation for your past. The Plantar family has layers. You just have to know where to look.

Anne: Layers, huh? Okay, then. Well, what's so special about her?

Hop Pop: Polliana? Oh, brace yourselves. She wasn't just any farmer. She was a turnip farmer!

All: [groans]

Anne: Welp, as much as I'd love to help, not gonna find any of my ancestors on your shrub, so...

[game music playing]

Hop Pop: Don't have to be blood to be a Plantar, Anne.

Anne: No, but you do have to be a master stacker to get to level 46. If I can just...[groans] Curse you, sudden death round! Why you so hard?

Hop Pop: Anne, this is based on nothing at all, but I'm almost certain that game will rot your brain! Uh-oh, looks like we're out of glue!

Sprig: Does that mean we have to stop?

Polly: Can we do something fun now?

Hop Pop: No fun till the shrub's done. Just gonna run to the store real quick and get more glue. Be back in a jiffy. [hums] Don't go anywhere!

Polly: Ah! You're lucky you're an outsider, Anne. Our family history is weak.

Sprig: They didn't do anything weird. Or different. Or fun. I mean, look at this. Even this painting's making me feel depressed. What the... Whoa!

Polly: Sprig! You broke the house.

Anne: Whoa. Oh, wow. This looks unsafe. We have to go down there.

Sprig: There could be treasure.

Polly: Or dead bodies! Let's do it!

Sprig: Uh, did we just get locked in here?

Anne: No, no, no.

Sprig: Let us out!

Anne: Help! Wait!

Polly: Come on, let's just find another way out, you babies.

All: Whoa. All this was under your house? [coughs] Oh, there's dust everywhere.

Sprig: This place is amazing. Whoa! Oh, what this? [exclaims] [laughs] Wow!

Polly: Hey, why do you think the entrance was hidden like that?

Sprig: To keep it a secret, obviously. Who wouldn't want to steal this stuff?

Anne: [shudders] Uh, me, me. I don't wanna steal this stuff.

Sprig: It says here this place belonged to Great Uncle Skip Plantar. He was a farmer and a brilliant scientist! He experimented with all kinds of stuff. This is wild. I wanna know more! Like, what does this do? (Pulls lever)

[gate opening]

[growling]

[breathing heavily]

Anne: Whoa...

Polly: Whoa, mama.

Sprig: Maybe it's harmless.

[growling]

[all screaming]

Hop Pop: My, my, so many glues to choose from. [humming] This is gonna be a little difficult.

Leopold Loggle: Hey, Hopadiah! [exclaims] What brings you here?

Hop Pop: [exclaims] Oh, hey, Loggle. Just trying to find some glue to put my family shrub together.

Loggle: Oh, Hop Pop. All you need for that is this. (Puts hand over heart)

Hop Pop(tearful): Dang it, you're right. In the end, it's all about love.

Loggle: What? No, I meant you need this. (Pulls glue out of chest pocket.) Nothing stronger. This stuff will fix your shrub. Heck, it'll fix your house!

Hop Pop: Hmm. Intriguing. Yet another choice. Looks like my day just got a lot more challenging.

[screeching]

[low growl]

Anne: What do we do?

Polly: This abomination must be destroyed.

Sprig: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute. There may be another way.

Anne: Dude, what are you doing?

Polly: Yeah, that pumpkin will squash you.

Sprig: There, there. Easy does it.

[growls]

[Sprig shushes]

Sprig: There, there, you beautiful, disgusting thing.

[sighs]

Anne: What is happening?

Sprig: That's right, Mama Sprig is here.

[chuckles]

Sprig: Oh, you horrible, horrible, sweet boy. Forgive me.

(Slams gate shut, trapping the pumpkin)

Polly: Dude... that was ice cold.

Sprig: Love is the cruelest weapon.

Anne: Agreed. Now let's get out of here before something else happens.

(Floor collapses.)

Anne: [groans] You guys okay?

Polly: More or less.

Sprig: Yeah... ow.

Polly: Oh, cool, our lantern.

All: Whoa.

Polly: This is heaven. [gasps] This is the same Polliana from Hop Pop's shrub. She wasn't just a turnip farmer. She was a turnt up warrior!

Sprig: Hey, check it out. I found her diary.

Anne: The Bogwater Wars of '48. The Western Toad invasion of '53. Man, she was in a lot of battles.

Polly: She was the coolest, most terrifying Plantar ever. Like me!

Sprig: Wow, we sure are learning a lot. I'd like to learn more. Like, hey, what does this do? (Pulls a lever.)

[rumbling]

Sprig: Ah!

All: [gasp]

Anne: Will you please stop pulling levers?

Sprig: Levers are for pulling, Anne! Why is there a death trap here, anyways?

Anne: Says here this is Polliana's training simulator.

Sprig: Look out! Okay, how do we turn it off?

Anne: The shut off switch is by the exit on the other side.

Sprig: Okay, we can do this. We just gotta go very slowly--

Polly: (Bursts past while shouting)

Anne and Sprig: Polly!

Polly: Hiyah! (Disables machine)

[machine whirring down]

Anne: Well, That was intense.

Polly: So, you guys wanna do it again?

Anne and Sprig: Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Hop Pop: You know what? I'll just buy all of them. You can never have too much glue, I always say.

Loggle: Good choice!

Hop Pop: [screams] Glue! Everywhere! Need water!

Loggle: Hop Pop, no! That's more glue.

Hop Pop: [gasps] Loggle! Help me!

Loggle: No. No!

Anne and Sprig: Whoa.

Polly: Oh, wow. Can you believe it? Another mysterious hidden chamber.

Anne: Oh, cool! This place is filled with games and puzzles. Let's see if we can find which Plantar this stuff belonged to. No way. Emma the Newt? Honorary Plantar? Hey, check this out. She travelled all over the place, collected all this cool stuff, and settled with the Plantars. She wasn't even a frog!

Sprig: Wow, so cool.

Anne: I guess even an outsider like me can be a Plantar.

Sprig: Oh, Anne. Looks like you've solved the puzzle...of your own heart.

Anne: Wow, thanks buddy.

Sprig: No, thank you, buddy.

Polly: Hey! How about we solve the puzzle of getting the heck out of here!

Anne: Oh, we think the exit is that way.

Polly: Oh.

Sprig: [grunting] Well, it's locked.

Anne: Hmm.

Polly: Maybe I can smash it. Hiyah! Well, that didn't work.

Sprig: We're gonna die down here!

Anne: Wait a second. [gasps] Guys, this isn't just a door. It's a puzzle! All right, let's do this. [gasps] There, I did it!

[rumbling]

[all scream]

Polly: Anne, what did you do?

Anne: Oh, no! I know what this is. It's the sudden death round. [breathes deeply] You can do this, Anne. [grunting]

Sprig: Anne, no pressure, but we're gonna die.

Anne: Almost... there. Woo hoo! I did it! Take that, Hop Pop. Who's brain is rotten now, sucker?

[all sigh]

Anne: We had your family history all wrong, guys. The Plantars weren't just farmers.

Sprig: Nope, they were twisted.

Polly: Yeah, they were pretty cool. Now, can we finally find a way out of here?

Sprig(reaching for a lever): Yeah, and I think I know how.

Anne and Polly: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

[footsteps running]

[all breathing heavily]

Anne: Hop Pop! We found those Plantar family layers you were talking about.

Hop Pop: Eh? Found them? Kids, I wasn't being literal.

Sprig: Oh, Hop Pop!

Anne: There was a moving fireplace.

Polly: Secret rooms!

Sprig: Crazy science lab.

Polly: Family heirlooms!

Anne: Turnip with a face.

Sprig: Family's amazing!

Polly: Actually proud to be a Plantar.

Anne: Games don't rot your brain!

Hop Pop: Secret rooms? Full of Plantar family heirlooms? Why, this is incredible! And most importantly, once again, I was right.

Polly: Our ancestors were the most amazing scientist, warrior, farmers ever!

Sprig: Everyone needs to know.

Hop Pop: Well I want to see these rooms, too!

Anne: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there, Hop Pop. They're full or traps and super hard but satisfying puzzles.

Sprig: Oh, and there was a pumpkin abomination! A real affront to nature. I loved it! And then betrayed it.

Polly: No offense, but I'm not sure you could handle it.

Hop Pop: [laughs] You have no idea what I can or can't handle. What do you say, Loggle? Up for another adventure?

(Turns around to reveal Loggle glued to his back)

Loggle: Absolutely...not!

Anne: Hop Pop, no!

Sprig: [sighs] Should we go help them?

[ominous noises]

[screaming]

Hop Pop: Help!

Polly: Yeah, probably.

Sprig: Oh, oh, oh! Let's adopt that pumpkin monster.