Plantar's Last Stand/Transcript

Sprig: Ah, the Wartwood Farmer's Market, where salt of the earth frogs come to sell stuff and fill up on free samples.

(Swallows a jar of Gentle Jon's Expensive Jellies.)

Gentle Jon: That wasn't a sample.

(Spits it back out.)

Sprig: Now it's like nothing happened. I-- I can pay for that.

Mrs. Croaker: [humming]

Anne and Polly: Good morning, Mrs. Croaker.

Mrs. Croaker: I'll take this here gangly gourd, Hopadiah.

Hop Pop: Oh, I sense a batch of Croaker stew coming on. Hmm... Hang on there, Sadie. You don't want that one. Mm-hmm...A-ha! It's a gourd maggot. These guys taste terrible.

Anne: [screaming] It's in my hair! It's in my hair!

Hop Pop: Here, take this one, instead. It's maggot-free.

Mrs. Croaker: Classic Plantar honesty. I've been buying from this stand since your father was running it. And y'all have never steered me wrong.

Anne: Very impressive, Hop Pop.

Hop Pop: That is the Plantar difference, Anne. You can't taste honesty. But if you could--

Sprig and Polly:...it'd taste like a Plantar stand vegetable.

Hop Pop: This stand is the heart and soul of our family. I don't know what I'd do if we ever lost it.

Toadie: Bad news, everyone! Bad news! Gonna run away before you read it!

Hop Pop: That Toadie... [mumbles] Say what? Mayor Toadstool is quadrupling the rent! And he wants it in three days!

Villager: Have you seen this?

Villager: This is outrageous!

Hop Pop: At this rate, we'll lose the stand. What are we gonna do?

Anne: Hmm...Got it! Snugaroos, blankets you wear over your clothes.

Hop Pop: What the--Anne, we're a vegetable stand.

Anne: No, I mean we need our own Snugaroo, a flashy new product. Something like... like... A-ha! [grunts] A little bit of this, shake it up and... Introducing Plantar's Potion. A hearty mix of vitamins and minerals that'll extend your life and keeps you regular.

Hop Pop: Wowza. All that in one jar?

Anne: Heck if I know, I just made all that up. But health drinks are all the rage back home. The best part, we can charge through the nose for them.

Hop Pop: Heh. I don't know what a nose is, but it's worth a shot. [clears throat] New product! New product, everyone. This here is a freshly made bottle of...What was it again? Plantar's Potion! Yes, you in the front, Wally.

Wally: Does it taste good?

Hop Pop: Wouldn't know. Haven't tried it, yet.

Wally: Oh.

[frog coughs]

Anne: Hey, Hop Pop! Can we chat for a second? Sprig, work the crowd.

Sprig: Yes, ma'am.

[clears throat] Spring Plantar, ten years old.

[plays "Fur Elise" with armpit]

[cheers, applause]

Hop Pop: Beautiful.

Anne: Dude, if you wanna sell this stuff, you gotta sell this stuff! Make promises you can't keep and junk.

Hop Pop: Did you forget this stand was built on honesty?

Anne: Hop Pop, in three days, there won't be a stand.

Hop Pop: [sighs] I'll give it a try. Take five, boy. I'll take it from here.

Sprig: You got it, Hop Pop! Hop, hop!

Hop Pop: Folks, I'd really appreciate it if you bought this drink. Uh...Because it'll make you, I don't know... stronger?

[crowd murmuring]

Hop Pop: And uh... smarter, too!

All: Smarter? Smarter, too?

Hop Pop: Hmm...Folks, one sip of Plantar's Potion...and you may very well live forever!

Wally: I'll take ten!

Felicia: I'll take a hundred!

Anne: [laughs] Ow, ow.

Sprig: Wee! [laughs]

Polly: [giggles]

Hop Pop: Suffering swamp gas! We gotta step up production on this stuff. Fast!

[crowd cheering]

Anne: Incoming!

Sprig: [groans] Fresh beet juice, coming up!

Anne: All right, who's next?

All: Me, me!

Villager: There he is!

Child: Look, Daddy, the potion man.

Hop Pop: Folks! Say, any of you been losing the stick on your tongue? One sip of Plantar's Potion...and my tongue has never felt stickier.

[cheers, applause]

Hop Pop: Feeling dry? Plantar's Potion will have you moist and smooth. Just look at the sheen on me!

All: Ooh!

Hop Pop: It'll make your warts bigger.

Hop Pop: It'll make your kids talk back less.

Hop Pop: It'll erase all the regrets that keep you up at night.

[cheering, applause]

Hop Pop: [laughs] I know I doubted you, Anne, but this is really working.

Anne: I gotta say, Hop Pop, you've gotten really good at this.

Hop Pop: Why thank you, young lady.

Sprig: Guys, guys!

Polly: Big problem!

[both gasp]

Sprig: We used up all our produce. There's nothing left.

Hop Pop: No! We're so close. We can't fall short now. Let's see... A-ha! Jackpot!

Anne: Uh... Yeah, uh... Yeah, that's literally garbage.

Hop Pop: Garbage? Or Plantar Potion's new secret ingredient?

Anne: Ew.

Hop Pop: Still need a bit more, though. [laughs] Maybe some of these. [laughs] That'll work. Yeah.

Anne: You sure about this, Hop Pop?

Hop Pop: Oh, I'm sure. Everyone's hooked. They'll buy anything I sell them. Now get in there, stompers.

Polly: Aye, aye!

Sprig: Right. Go on. Get, get.

[laughing]

Hop Pop: Yes! Yes! Let it flow! Come to Hop Poppa!

Anne: Oh, boy.

(The next day)

[groans, belches]

Hop Pop: Friends and frog folk, step right up. New limited edition Plantar's Potion. Only 20 coppers a bottle!

Anne: Twenty coppers? No one's gonna buy that--

Crowd: [roars]

Hop Pop: Thank you for your patronage.

Villager: I'm gonna feed this to my baby.

Anne: [groans] Well, did we make it? Did we save the stand?

Hop Pop: Just about. We gotta sell to one more sucker and we'll be home free.

Mrs. Croaker: I'll take a bottle, Hopadiah.

Hop Pop: [gasps] Sadie Croaker, the stand's oldest and most loyal customer.

Mrs. Croaker: Usually, I find potions and the like to be a bunch of malarkey, but if Hopadiah Plantar says it works, then it must.

Hop Pop: Mm-hmm.

Mrs. Croaker: Been saving this gold farthing for a while now. Waiting for something special to spend it on. One bottle, please.

Hop Pop: Uh... we're all sold out.

Polly: No, we're not!

Mrs. Croaker: Oh, thank you, deary.

Hop Pop: [stammers]

Mr. Croaker: To Hop Pop and the Plantars, the most honest folks in the business.

Anne: Oof, even I felt that one.

All: To the Plantars!

Hop Pop: No! (Slaps the potion out of Mrs. Croaker's hand.)

Mrs. Croaker: What has gotten into you, Hopediah?

Hop Pop: That was no health potion! It's garbage! (His voice echoes.) Folks, I'm so sorry. I never meant any harm. All I was trying to do was save my stand.

Hop Pop: Huh?

Sprig and Polly: [scream]

Polly: Hop Pop!

Sprig: They want the garbage potion!

[crowd screaming]

Wally: Eaten by flies? Oh, the irony!

Anne: Hey, let go of my bumpkin frog family!

[screams]

Hop Pop: Hey! Ain't this what you want?

[all scream]

Hop Pop: You really want this so bad? Then drop the kids and go get it!

[screaming]

Hop Pop: Oh! [sighs] Everyone okay?

Sprig: Not really.

Hop Pop: Kids, I messed up big. I was so desperate to save the stand, I forgot what the stand was even about.

Anne: So, what now?

Hop Pop: We go make things right. That's the Plantar way.

Hop Pop: Apologies.

Frog: [scoffs]

Hop Pop: Here you go, sir. I hope you'll give Plantar's another chance, someday.

Anne: I know things are bad, Hop Pop, but if it makes you feel any better, you were a crazy good salesman.

Hop Pop: [laughs] I was good, wasn't I?

Mrs. Croaker: Well, Hopadiah, looks like you're going to have to earn our trust back. That being said, I think your father would be proud that you did the right thing today.

Hop Pop: Thanks, Sadie. I'll work hard to earn your trust back.

Toadie: Not at this stand, you won't! No coin, no stand. Time to clear out!

Sprig: Don't worry, Hop Pop. We'll help you get the stand back.

Polly: You want me to...[clicks tongue] off Toadie? I'll do it. You know I will.

Hop Pop: Thanks, kids. Let's just get home and relax a little. You know, maybe the end of one tradition means the start of another. Maybe I ought to start over the Hop Pop way, experiment with those new seed varieties I always wanted to try.

Anne: That's the spirit, Hop Pop.

Sprig: Yeah, we're gonna make it after all.

[all laugh]

Polly: The future is ours.

Hop Pop: Oh, frog! I'm unemployed!