Dating Season/Transcript

Anne: [grunting] Why do we always hang out in the woods? You have a perfectly good living room.

Sprig: Where's the fun in that? This place is full of nature. Whoo-hoo!

Anne: Yeah, exactly.

[humming]

Sprig: [gasps] Stay back. It could be a bloodsucking predator.

Anne: You are really not selling me on this place.

Sprig: Oh, no. It's an--

Ivy: Ambush!

Sprig: [grunting] I'm hit! Sprig down! Sprig down!

Ivy: Ha ha!

Sprig: Hey, Ivy. Nice ambush. Gourd in a wig? Classic.

Ivy: [chuckles] Can't take all the credit. You're really easy to trick.

Sprig: Well, guilty as charged.

[both laugh]

Anne: [clearing throat]

Sprig: Oh, Ivy, meet Anne. Oddity from another world. Anne, meet Ivy. Childhood acquaintance and occasional sparring partner.

[grunts, laughs]

Anne: Hey, Ivy.

Ivy: Hey, I've seen you around. Nice to officially meet. Do you like being randomly attacked?

Anne: Not at all.

Ivy: Well, too bad. See you later, Sprig. But you won't see me.

[shouts]

[laughs]

Anne: Well, well, well. She's kinda cute, huh?

Sprig: I don't know what you're talking about.

Anne: Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Sprig: You're being weird, Anne.

Anne: We're home!

Hop Pop: What have you two been doin'? I've been lookin' for you all morning.

Anne: Oh, nothing. Except Sprig was totally flirting with a cute girl!

Hop Pop: [gasps] No kiddin'?

Sprig: Anne, it's not like that. Ivy Sundew and I are just friends.

Hop Pop: Ivy Sundew? Nobody move! I'm gettin' the courtship kit.

Anne: This is so exciting! I'm gonna go get my dating magazines. BRB!

Polly: I don't actually care.

Hop Pop: Here we go. The Firefly Formal is tonight. It's the perfect opportunity to begin the ritual.

Anne: Ritual?

Hop Pop: Uh-huh. Only frogs who have performed the ceremonial dance in the ceremonial garb are allowed to be wed.

Anne: Huh. Kitschy. I like it.

Sprig: Guys! We're just friends. Besides, I'm already engaged to Maddie, right? She gave me this nifty ring.

Hop Pop: Forget her. The Sundews have secret proprietary crops. Do you have any idea what that means?

Sprig: Uh...

Hop Pop: If our families merge, we'll be rich!

Polly: Wow. So romantic.

Anne: Uhh! I love these magazines. Look, Sprig. It says here two-thirds of all soul mates start out as "just friends."

Sprig: Wait, what? Really? And you trust these things?

Anne: Definitely. Magazines never lie.

Sprig: Could Ivy be my eternal love, my soul mate, the cat to my bat?

Hop Pop: Well, we're about to find out 'cause I already asked her family. (Letter gets delivered) Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. They agreed to a date! (Mosquito messenger buzzes) What do you want? Oh, your tip. All right, here you go. But don't take too much, though. I have chores to do later.

Sprig: Well, missing out on eternal love does sound bad. I guess one date couldn't hurt.

Anne: Hey!

Hop Pop: That's my boy!

[music playing]

Hop Pop: Stop strugglin'.

Anne: Just a little more.

Sprig: [grunting]

Anne: All righty. Cool.

Hop Pop: My boy, you look incredible.

Sprig: Uh... I don't know about this. Ivy's gonna think I look stupid. I think I look stupid.

Anne: Great! You'll have something in common. It's fine. (Her head bangs on lanterns as she walks.) Ow. Ow. Ow.

Felicia: My little girl's a woman.

Ivy: Mom!

Sprig: [gulps]

Hop Pop: All right, boy, go get that lucrative business relationship. I mean, romantic relationship. [chuckles] Saved it.

Sprig: [squeaking] Hey.

Ivy: Hi.

Sprig: Uh... these are for you.

Ivy: Oh. Thanks.

Sprig: So...you're looking like a... girl frog.

Ivy: Oh, okay. I like your, uh, collar.

Felicia: [sighs] I'm so happy we agreed on this merger, Hopadiah. That Sprig of yours looks like a hard worker.

Hop Pop: Like we agreed, you'll get Sprig to work at your restaurant, and I'll get the seeds to those Sundew vegetables.

Felicia: Agreed.

Anne: This is so exciting. I wonder what their ship name will be. Ivig? Sprigivy?

Polly: What are you even saying?

Hop Pop: Shh! Let's watch our little love doves fly. Love doves are birds that mate for life.

Anne: I got it.

Albus Duckweed: Excuse me, everybody, but I hear we have a couple of love doves here tonight. Ivy Sundew and Sprig Plantar. Whoo! A big hand for them. Come on, let me hear it. Hopadiah Plantar says, "Sprig, don't mess this up for us." And Felicia Sundew would like Ivy to "have a great courtship. Wink." It says "wink" here. "Love, Mom." All right, then. Hit it, boys!

[music playing]

[both chuckle nervously]

[both grunting]

Sprig: There we go.

Ivy: I had no idea you felt this way about me, Sprig.

Sprig: Oh, sure. Didn't you know two-thirds of all mates start with souls? Ah! I mean, two-thirds of all souls start with...[sighs] I can't do this. I'm really sorry, Ivy. I-- I don't want to date you. Everyone just convinced me this was a good idea.

Ivy: Oh, thank goodness! I only went along because I didn't want to hurt you. Also 'cause my mom forced me.

Sprig: Ha! Parents, am I right? What do you say we ditch this thing and go watch some fireflies? They're in season.

Ivy: [laughs] After you, friend.

Sprig: Why, thank you, friend.

[both laughing]

Anne: Ooh-la-la. The little love doves are sneaking off into the woods. You know what that means.

Felicia: It means they're abandoning the ritual! If those two don't finish that dance...

Hop Pop: Then this courtship will be ruined! Along with my financial security!

Anne: Wait, what? We cannot let them waste this chance. They say nine out of ten people stay up at night regretting missed romantic opportunities. Nine out of ten!

Hop Pop: Come on, gang. Let's get this merger back on track.

Polly: Uh, counterpoint. Why don't we just leave them alone?

Felicia: Ridiculous.

Hop Pop: Not a chance.

Anne: I'm way too invested right now.

[grunting]

Sprig: Wow. Man, this is way better than that stuffy old dance. Right, Ivy? Ivy? Ivy?

Ivy: Ambush!

Sprig: Ha ha!

Ivy: Oh, no, you don't.

Sprig: Ha ha ha!

Ivy: Come back here! This'll be your grave!

Sprig: That's, uh...That's pretty dark.

Hop Pop: Hmm. Where are those dang kids?

[wings flapping]

[bird screeches]

Hop Pop: What's that?

Anne: Huh?

Felicia: They're beautiful.

Polly: Just look at them.

Hop Pop: Love doves. Don't move or we're dead.

Anne: What? I thought they were all romantic and mate for life.

Hop Pop: Yeah, and they spend that life massacring all living things.

[both coo, shriek]

[all scream]

[squawking]

[all scream]

Hop Pop: Beautiful. [scream]

Sprig: Hey, purple ones.

Ivy: Oh, yeah, those are babies. I read that they're purple so the moms can find them if they get lost.

Sprig: What? That's adorable.

Ivy: I know, right?

Sprig: Bleh. [screaming] What the...

Ivy: That sounded like...

[screaming]

Sprig: Our families! We gotta help them!

Ivy: Way ahead of you. Come on, let's go!

[screeching]

[all grunt]

[all gasp]

[both shriek]

Anne: We're stuck.

[both squawk]

Anne: Uh, so they're not gonna eat us?

Hop Pop: Not right away. Love doves prefer to let their prey marinate in fear first.

Felicia: [groans] Can it, Plantar. This is all your fault. If you taught your grandson proper courtship technique--

Hop Pop: My fault? It's obviously yours.

Anne: [grunts, spits] Guys, it says here that our relationships define us, and nothing else. Nothing else!

[all speaking, indistinct]

Polly: [growls] Enough! It's all your faults.

Hop Pop: Say what?

Anne: Impossible.

Polly: Zip it! The only reason we're here marinating is because you all had to play matchmaker. You two were greedy, plain and simple.

Hop Pop: Maybe a little.

Felicia: It's nuanced.

Anne: Nice. Totally innocent for once. You two should be ashamed.

Polly: Are you kidding? Sprig only went through with this because of you and this dumb magazine!

[growling]

[panting]

Anne: Wow. I feel lighter somehow, more... free.

Sprig: Hey! We're here to rescue you.

All: Whew!

Felicia: Oh, thank frog.

Ivy: We're also here to tell you we don't want to date each other and we never will.

Hop Pop: We know. Polly set us straight.

Felicia: Look, kids, we--

Anne: Sprig, I'm so sorry.

[shrieking]

Polly: I always tell them, "Save the heartfelt apologies for when we get to safety."

Ivy: Don't worry, guys. Sprig and I are ready for combat. Right?

Sprig: Right.

Ivy: On the count of three. One, two...

Ivy: Sprig?

Sprig: Ambush! Ha ha!

[grunts]

[shrieks]

Sprig: Take that, you beautiful creature!

[squawks]

[squawks]

Sprig: Whoa!

[cooing]

Ivy: Nice ambush.

Sprig: Well, I learned from the best. Now let's finish this up.

[squawks]

[sighs]

Hop Pop: Amazing. Even in defeat, they're majestic.

[cooing]

Felicia: Come along now, Ivy. Let's get you home so I can apologize safely.

Ivy: Okay. That was fun. See ya, Sprig!

Sprig: See ya, Ivy!

Hop Pop: Sprig, next time we won't get the courtship kit out until you're good and ready. Now I can focus on finding love for Polly.

Polly: No!

Anne: Well, that's the end of that. Now you and Ivy can go back to being just friends.

Sprig: Yep.

Anne: Oh, you just fell in love with her, didn't you?

Sprig: Yeah, I just fell in love with her.