Combat Camp/Transcript

[whistling]

I still can't believe you're bringing us to a day care, Hop Pop.

Look. I'm sorry, okay?

But I have to go to the Annual Crop Convention.

It's a long ways away, and I can't leave you kids

on the farm alone for the weekend.

[both] What? Ugh! Are you kidding?

Wish I was, Anne. But you kids need supervision.

Why, sometimes it feels like we have at least two wacky adventures a week!

Here we are!

Greetings, I am Tritonio Espada,

the instructor of this day care.

Huh, I thought Briar and Iris Bogwater ran this place.

The Bogwaters retired last year and sold their business to me.

Well in that case, I'm Hopadiah Plantar.

This here is Sprig, Polly and Anne. [Polly blows raspberry]

She may be gigantic, but she's also a child.

Hey!

Ah, yes.

I shall educate them! Teach them true discipline!

Oh. I like the cut of your jib, Mr. Tray-tony.

Did I say that right? Absolutely not.

This isn't so bad, I guess. There is a cool tower.

You guys don't get it. And Tritonio's a teacher,

enemy of all that is good.

Uh, what's so bad about teachers?

Let's just say, me and them don't mix.

Okay, so then you carry the three and-- [sighs] [video game noises]

Not again.

[noises continue]

You'll never take me alive!

Anne! Anne, get back here!

Teachers. They just don't like me.

Probably 'cause they're jealous of my carefree spirit.

Well, kids, looks like you're in good hands here

with Mr. Tritonio.

Hyah! Crop Con, here I come!

Finally. It is just us now.

So let us cast aside these illusions, yes?

Ah!

[all] Whoa!

And this is no mere day care.

This is a Combat Crash Course for kids.

Yoo-hoo! Cool!

Adults, they shelter their children.

I say no! Teach them to fight.

For danger lurks around every corner of Amphibia.

Stay on your toes! Trust no one!

-Ah! Look over there! -Ah! What is it? Danger?

-[grunts] -I said trust no one!

Now, follow me, and we will begin the next lesson.

Hit me again, Tritonio! [laughs]

This guy's awesome!

Eh, we'll see.

Your next lesson is to pick your weapon.

Find one that resonates with you.

Cool! Yeah!

Ooh, what are these?

Ah, the noble boom shroom. Small, unassuming,

-but in the right hands... -[beeping]

Explosive!

[gasps] Oh. Perfect for you, I think.

Who's next? No wrong answers.

Hmm. No! Wrong!

What? How so?

From what I have seen,

you do not have the dexterity to wield a sword.

Pick something else.

Whoa, these are big forks.

Ah, excellent choice, Sprig.

[explosion booms]

[Polly laughs]

So, what's the next lesson?

[Tritonio] Wonderful, Sprig!

Polly, truly inspiring.

No, Anne. Knees higher!

-[Sprig] Blah! -[Tritonio] Sprig, Polly, nice work!

No, Anne. More nimble!

[grumbles, shouts]

[Anne straining] [Tritonio] That's it, children!

Feel the stone beneath your hands,

the strong breeze in your hair.

Much like the breeze on a fast-moving train.

Man, Tritonio's so encouraging. Must be nice.

[Tritonio] Anne, your hand placement is all wrong!

Ugh, what'd I tell you? The guy's totally picking on me.

Why don't you just ask him why he's doing it?

Tritonio says, "An honest dialogue is more powerful than any weapon."

Blech. That's the corniest thing I've ever heard--

[shouts]

[thud]

Even your fall needs work, Anne.

[sighs]

[owl hoots] Here, children,

your quinoa macro bowls are ready.

Where is the gangly one? Does she not like quinoa?

She said she wanted to be alone.

You must eat, Anne. Only a fool fights on an empty stomach.

Tritonio, can I ask you something?

Why don't you like me?

-What? I like you. -Oh, come on.

You're always being super tough on me for no reason.

Just like my teachers back home. Blech.

[laughs] Oh, Anne.

If I seem tougher on you, it's not because I don't like you.

It's because I see a girl who is not living up to her full potential.

-Really? -Indeed.

In you, I sense someone that,

with a little effort could achieve greatness.

And I am sure your teachers back home felt the same way.

And now, I believe you are ready for this.

Oh, wow!

This blade has been in my family for many years,

and now it is yours.

Get some sleep, Anne, for tomorrow,

the real training begins.

Wah-ha-ho!

Parry, swing! Imagine I'm a fearsome assassin.

Or perhaps, a meddlesome train conductor.

[shouts] You're too fast.

Indeed. But when you find yourself outmatched, think outside the box.

[gasps]

[shouts] [Anne grunts]

[laughs] Excellent! You've all improved so much.

-Especially you, Anne. -[giggles]

Now, come. It is time for your final test.

Tomorrow is our last day together.

So I put together an exercise

to test all the skills you've learned.

I have rented a train, inside of which,

I have hidden a fake priceless ruby.

Also, I have hired actors to portray guards

who will stop at nothing to keep the ruby safe.

You must retrieve it using the wisdom and skills I have taught you.

Now, study these plans. Become one with the plans.

Eat the plans. [lips smacking]

Eh, up! We leave at dawn!

So does anyone else think

this just looks like we're robbing a real train?

Yeah. Could Tritonio be using us?

[Polly screams] That's ridiculous!

Tritonio's a good dude who believes in me. I think we should do it.

Anne, you seem... oddly invested.

Yeah, where's old "teachers stink" Anne?

That Anne is dead and buried.

Now come on, these plans ain't gonna study themselves.

-You got me convinced. -As long as I get

to use my boom shrooms, I'm good.

[bell dinging] [train horn blares]

-Huh? What the-- -[horn blares]

[brakes squealing]

Please, governor, I'm a poor orphan boy

who done and twisted his wee ankle on these here train tracks.

[sniffs] Poor kid.

Guards! Help me!

Another day, another wounded orphan to move.

[Anne and Polly laugh]

[squeals, snorts]

This ankle isn't twisted.

Hey! The train!

Stop! Stop! No, no, no!

Hey! Get back here!

[grunts] [Sprig laughs]

[Anne laughs]

Acting is fun! I trusted you!

Oh, my gosh!

[both grunting]

Orphan!

Man, these guys are really good actors.

Never mind that. Let's get that ruby!

[rattling]

Polly, you're up.

[beeping, explosion booms]

[grunting, gasping]

There it is. We did it, guys.

Big T is gonna be so proud of us.

[Tritonio] Proud is an understatement!

-[all gasp] -[together] Tritonio!

You've all done so well.

Ah, here it is, the Tiger Moth's Eye.

Now, I have one more question.

What was the first lesson I taught you?

[gasps] Oh, oh! Trust no one!

-Bingo. -[door locks]

[Polly, Sprig gasp] Tritonio, what are you doing?

Sorry, kids,

but I never could've robbed this train by myself.

And now that I have what I want, I'll be going.

Give my regards to the guards! [laughs]

[grunts] I don't believe this.

He double-crossed us.

The first teacher I really clicked with

ended up being a fake.

Well, he's not getting away with this.

Polly, got any more boom shrooms?

[weapons cocking]

Ah, they were good kids.

Too bad they have to go to prison forever.

[beeping, explosion booms] [grunts]

Tritonio!

[laughs] I have to say, even I'm impressed.

You really mean if-- Guys, now!

[both scream]

Whoa! Whoa!

[ululating]

Oh, hi, Sprig.

[grunts] Oh, that hurt.

[beeping, explosions boom]

Come on.

[horn blaring]

[Anne screams, grunts]

Ah-- Huh?

Ooh! [panting]

Oh! [grunts]

Trusting you was a mistake,

but you've made a huge mistake, too.

Oh, yes? And what is that?

You taught me how to fight.

Ah! Big T's eyes!

[both grunting]

[grunts]

School's out, teach.

Thanks, kids. The tower's been trying

to catch this slimeball for months.

Been robbing trains with kids for quite some time now, the sicko.

You do have to respect my creativity.

We respect nothing!

Yeah, get out of here, you fraud!

See you around, Anne.

I wasn't kidding when I said you had potential.

You certainly bested me.

Save it, you crook.

I just have one more question for you.

Was the goatee even real?

What do you think?

[horn blows]

[all groan]

Oof, you probably dislike teachers

more than ever, now, huh, Anne?

You know what? Tritonio might have been a crook,

but he was onto something.

When I get home, I'm gonna give my teachers another chance.

[monotone] Okay. [horn beeps]

Hey, kids.

How was the convention, HP?

[slowly] Oh, fine.

Didn't get swarmed by killer locusts, if that's what you mean.

How was your weekend?

Good. We didn't rob a train.

Nope. No crimes committed.

Good, good.

Great to know we definitely didn't have two wacky adventures.