Toad Tax/Transcript

Hop Pop: Oh! Pill bugs are on sale.

Anne: Ooh! That reminds me. I'm gonna go grab some of that beetle jerky I like. Can't believe I just said that.

Hop Pop: Okay, kiddo. See ya outside.

[grunts]

Anne: Hmm. Where is that--Aha! Score. And I got the last one.

(Wally grabs it first.)

Anne: Hey! That was totally mine, Wally.

Wally: Ya snooze, ya lose, scarecrow. [guffaws]

Anne: Hey! Don't call me scarecrow. Oof!

Mrs. Croaker: Hey! Move your big behind, scarecrow. Croaker needs her cookies.

Anne: My behind's not big. I'm big. Technically, it's to scale. Whoa!

Teen worker: Hey! Didn't you see the sign, scarecrow?

Felicia: Classic, clumsy scarecrow.

Villagers: [all laughing]

Sprig: So did you get the beetle jerky you--Hey, what's wrong?

Anne: [sighs] Well, it's just...I've been here over a month now, and the townspeople still treat me crummy. I just wish they were a little nicer.

Hop Pop: Oh, that's just the way these frogs are. Slow to accept, and even slower to respect. It's actually our town motto. You'll find a way to get their respect, in your own weird Anne way. Now, who wants pill bug pancakes?

Anne: Ooh! My favorite. I've been here too long.

Hop Pop: Well, that statue's new.

Sprig: And tasteless. Woof!

[all gasp]

[Bessie chirps]

Anne: Whoa, whoa, girl. Easy. What's wrong?

[bones crack]

Bog: Ah! Nothing like cracking your neck after a long drive. Ain't that right?

[door opens]

Toadstool: Oh, good. You're here. Toadie, give 'em the list.

Anne: Who are those guys?

Hop Pop: Toads from Toad Tower. They rule over the entire valley.

Anne: Toad what?

Sprig: It's a big, scary tower deep in the swamp and the toads that live there are the valley's fiercest warriors.

Anne: Whoa! Cool.

Hop Pop: Cool, yes. But they can be a rough sort. It's probably for the best that we all stay clear of--Oh, dang it. There they go.

Sprig: Hey, guys. So, you're from Toad Tower?

Bog: Sure are, runt.

Sprig: [laughs] My name's Sprig, actually.

Bog: Uh-huh. Yeah, sure. Whoa! What is that? It's some kind of gangly new critter I've never seen before.

Fens: I wonder what it tastes like.

Sprig: Whoa, whoa, hey. She is not for eating.

Anne: Don't come any closer.

Fens: Is that a challenge? [laughs, growls]

[grunting]

[laughs]

Fens: Whoa, that was awesome.

Bog: Well met, creature. I don't know what you are, but you've got fire.

Sprig: [grumbles]

Hop Pop: Okay, kids. That's enough flirting with death. Let's head home.

Sprig: Blech, finally. Come on, Anne.

Anne: I was thinking we could hang out with these guys a little longer. They seem pretty cool.

Sprig: [scoffs] Cool? More like smelly. Not to mention creepy.

Mire: [raspy breathing]

Anne: Wait a second. Are you jealous I think they're cool?

Sprig: No. Ha! If you wanna hang out with some grody toads, Anne, be my guest. No skin off my skin.

Hop Pop: Okay. But don't dally too long, Anne.

Polly: I'm eating your pancakes.

Sprig: Not jealous.

Anne: Oh, he jelly.

Anne: Hey. I didn't get a chance to ask your--

Bog: Name's Bog. The silent one there is Mire. And Fens here you already met.

Anne: I'm Anne. What are you guys doing in Wartwood?

Bog: Every year, this town sends taxes to the tower. Well, this year, they came up short. So, the Mayor gave us this list of frogs who didn't pay and we're just here to collect. Say, we could use someone like you.

Anne: Really?

Bog: Yeah. You've got inside knowledge of this town. It'll make the whole job go a lot smoother.

Anne: Oh. Um...I don't know. I'm not sure any of this is my business.

Bog: You know, the best part of wearing this badge is how everyone in this town will have to treat you with respect.

Anne: Gimme that ding-dang thing!

Hop Pop: Got yer last frog. Whoo! You lose. Oh, yeah!

[door opens]

Anne: Guess who became a Toad Tower deputy!

All: What?

Anne: Also, check out this cool sword Bog gave me.

(Swings sword and slices coat hanger.)

Anne: I can fix that.

Hop Pop: Anne, when I said earn the town's respect, I didn't mean join a gang.

Anne: [scoffs] I don't believe this. They're not a gang. They're just here to do a job. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some respect to enjoy.

Hop Pop: Uh, boy, what are you doin'?

Sprig: I have a bad feeling about this. So I'm gonna go follow Anne and watch over her.

Hop Pop: That's all well and good, but can you at least use the front door?

Sprig: No.

Bog: All right. First name on the list.

Anne: So, how does this work? Do we remind Wally how much he owes or--

[Bog grunts]

Wally: [singing, screams] Jumping June bugs! What's all this about?

[chuckling]

Anne: I, uh, guess you owe the town money?

Wally: Rubbish. I may live in squalor, but I always pay my taxes.

Bog: The mayor's list says otherwise. And since you haven't paid, we'll be taking your stuff.

Wally: [whimpering]

Bog: Here you go, Anne. Little something extra for you.

(He hands her a bag of beetle jerky.)

Anne: Oof! Bog, this seems a little extreme.

Bog: It's just the way we do things here. Plus, it's not like we enjoy it. Now who wants to race to the next house? [laughs]

Anne: [whispers] Here, take this back.

Bog: Come on, Anne!

Anne: Comin'.

Wally: Thanks.

Sprig(from a distance): That's weird. Wally always pays his taxes.

Toadstool: Come on.

Sprig: [gasps]

Toadstool: Come on, Toadie. While the townsfolk are preoccupied.

Toadie: [panting] Coming, sir.

[jingling]

Sprig: A copper coin? The mayor? A hole? In the bag? Hmm.

[jingling continues]

[Toadie grunts]

Sprig: I hope you'll be okay, Anne.

Fens: [chuckles]

Felicia: Oh, how horrid.

Anne: [whispers] Here, take this.

Felicia: [gasps]

Bog: [laughing]

Loggle: No, no, no, not the statue. No!

Anne: Psst.

Loggle: Oh! [sobbing] Yes. Oh!

Mrs. Croaker: Archie! Sic 'em.

Archie: [snarls]

Mire: [gurgling]

Mire: [roars]

Archie: [whimpers]

Anne: Here you go.

Archie: [squeaks, pants]

Anne: I don't know, guys. This whole thing feels [grunts] wrong.

Bog: The law's the law, Anne. It can be tough, but this kind of work needs to get done.

Fens: Yeah. Needs to get done. Stuff, gotta get it done.

Anne: I...guess that makes sense. Who's next on the list?

Bog: Eh, some nut named Hopadiah Plantar.

Anne: Oh, crud. Bog, that list has to be wrong. I know that frog. He's totally honest. Anne, the tower didn't get any taxes, okay? And if we didn't get the money, then where is it?

(Toadstool hides the missing taxes inside the new statue.)

Toadstool: It's flawless, Toadie. The perfect plan. Who would think to look for the missing taxes in plain sight?

Toadie: Master stroke, sir.

Toadstool: Quickly now. Let's skedaddle before anyone notices--

Sprig: The taxes! You fiends! Everyone's gonna be furious when they find out about this.

Toadstool: Well, then it's a good thing you'll never get to tell them.

[shouts]

Sprig: Well, ya gotta catch me first. [raspberry]

Toadstool: Hey! Get after him.

[grunting]

[thunder rumbling]

Hop Pop: Like I said, I already paid my dang taxes. You can't come in here, and that's final.

Bog: I don't like your tone, frog. Or did you forget who you're talking to?

Anne: Bog, I am telling you, he paid his taxes. He... He made me watch.

Hop Pop(flashback): So then you add up your deductibles and... Oop! Guess what, Anne? You're a deductible!

Anne(flashback): Kill me.

Anne: [shudders]

Bog: Anne, they all say they've paid. I don't care what you think you saw. The list don't lie. Now, what should we start with?

Fens: Well, how about that thing?

Bessie: [purrs, chirps]

Hop Pop: You stay away from her.

Polly: I'll bite your face off!

Bog: Good choice. That snail should cover everything. Mire, Fens, Anne, move out.

[chirping, purring continues]

Hop Pop: You monsters!

Anne: [straining]

Bessie: [chirps]

Anne: Stop!

Anne: You keep your claws off that snail. Better yet...get off our property.

[thunderclap]

Bog: Care to repeat that?

Anne: I said get lost. Now!

All: [gasps]

Wally: Oh, she's brave.

Mrs. Croaker: What did she just say?

Anne: All I wanted was this town's respect. But just because these people treated me crummy doesn't mean I'm going to do the same to them. I'm done with this. I don't care if they've broken the law. You can't treat people like this!

All: [gasp]

Bog: [fingers snap]

(Fens pushes Anne to the ground.)

Anne: [grunts]

Hop Pop: Anne!

(Mire grabs Hop Pop and Polly.)

Polly: Hey! Let me go.

Hop Pop: Let me go. Let me go!

Bog: Tsk, tsk, tsk. How disappointing. Do you know what we do to traitors in the tower, Anne?

Fens: [cackles] You're about to be a pill bug pancake, you little brat.

Anne: Your foot's about to be a pancake. [grunts]

(She rolls out of the way, Bog's hammer hits Fens' foot instead.)

Fens: [screams]

[growls]

[grunting]

[grunting]

Bog: [laughs]

Anne: No!

[Anne screams]

Bog: [laughs]

Bog: Sorry, creature. It's just business. [groans] What the--

Sprig: You leave her alone!

Wally: Yeah, you leave our Anne alone.

Felicia: She's one of us.

Mrs. Croaker: If you got a problem with her, you got a problem with all of us.

[straining]

[squealing]

Sprig: Anne!

Anne: Hey, what took you so long?

Sprig: Sorry, I got tied up.

Mayor Toadstool: [huffing] Oh, boy. Gotta cut back on them cricket nuggets. Whoo!

Sprig: Arrest that toad. He stole the town's money and was keeping it all for himself.

[all gasping]

Wally: Gosh!

[all murmuring]

Sprig: May I? [grunts] I think you should do the honors.

(Bog smashes the statue - coins spill out.)

All: [gasp]

Mrs. Croaker: No-good son of a slug!

Toadstool: People, I needed the extra money for my campaign. Do you have any idea how much it costs to buy your love? Uh... And as mayor, I hereby pardon myself of any wrongdoing. Thank you. Good day.

Villager: Get out of here, you scoundrel.

[yelling]

Bog(to Anne): If it was respect you were looking for, you sure lost mine. You've a lot of nerve, I'll give you that. [laughs] We'll be back, Anne, and we won't be alone. [grunts]

Hop Pop: She don't need your respect.

Wally: Yeah. She's got ours!

[all cheering]

Bog: Hyah!

Fens: So are we gonna tell the captain about that creature we found?

Bog: Oh, we're gonna tell the captain everything.

Wally: Three cheers for Anne, defender of Wartwood.

All: Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

Anne: Aw, thanks, guys. [sniffles] Now who wants to sign my cast?

Sprig: Me, me, me. I'm her best friend.

Polly: Me! Out of the way, you plebes.

Wally: Oi! I can't write. [laughs]