Anne Theft Auto/Transcript

Hop Pop: Ah, a leisurely outing with Bessie. Why, we could really go anywhere. Do anything.

Sprig: Ooh, ooh! Can we get Swamp Slushies? They have new flavors.

Hop Pop: [Laughs] Nope.

Polly: Can we go off-road? Do some crazy stunts?

Hop Pop: Double no.

Anne: Ooh, ooh! Can I drive?

Hop Pop: Sure.

Anne: Aw, come on, Hop Pop- Wait, really?

Hop Pop: Absolutely. I've been trying to teach this guy for years.

Sprig: It's true.

Anne: All right! Give me those reins. I'm ready to drive.

Hop Pop: Not before reading this, you ain't.

Anne: What?

Hop Pop: This is Bessie's History. Before touching a snail's reins, you gotta know them. Feel their heartbeat next to yours and become one.

Anne: Hop Pop, it's just a vehicle. We had a family car back home. It's no biggie.

Anne: Oof!

Hop Pop: Don't care. You can't drive Bessie, unless you read this cover to cover. And that's final.

Anne: Are there pictures?

Hop Pop: There are diagrams.

Anne: No!

Hop Pop: Sheesh. Dramatic much?

Hop Pop: Now if you'll excuse me, Polly's due for a wash.

Polly: No, no. Wait. No! I'll just get dirty again. You can't stop me! I learned this from watching you, Anne!

Anne: I'll be old before I finish reading this thing.

Sprig: Yeah, page five is as far as I got. Too much description, not enough plot.

Anne: I don't need history. I need experience. Hey. What do you say we take a harmless test-drive? Prove to Hop Pop we're fast learners?

Sprig: Hmm. Do you get the feeling this is one of those decisions we'll look back on and say, "Ooh-boy, we probably shouldn't have done that"?

Anne: ♪ We'll get Swamp Slushies while we're out. ♪

Sprig: No regrets!

Anne: That's what I like to hear. Hyah!

Mrs. Croaker: Huh? What in tarnation? Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Sprig: Out of the way, slowpoke!

Mrs. Croaker: Hooligans! Ruffians! Swamp suckers!

Anne: Whoa. What was that?

Sprig: I've always wanted to try road rage.

Anne: And the verdict?

Sprig: Exhilarating.

Anne: Live your truth! Yeah!

[both laugh]

Sprig: Man, you were right. We didn't need to read some silly book. You drive just fine.

Anne: Just fine? Pshh. Boy, I'm a natural. [gasps] Ooh, ooh! Wanna take this baby off-road?

Sprig: Yup.

[revving]

Sprig: Whoo-hoo!

Both: Whoa!

[laughing]

Both: Whoa!

[laughing]

Both: Whoa! Oof!

Anne: [sighs] So, off-roading. Fun. But how about we go back to on-roading?

Sprig: Good old reliable on-roading, yes, please.

Anne: All right, Bessie. Let's move.

Anne: One more time. Let's move. Um, Bessie?

[sputtering]

Sprig: You all right, girl?

Anne: Hey, what's going on here? Does it need fuel in the tank or something? Is the oil low? Come get the tasty fuel, Bessie.

Sprig: Ew, Anne. These leaves are tastier. Here, Bessie. I got dem good leaves, girl.

[purrs]

Anne: Hmm. Maybe we can push her? Give her a jump-start? I'm sure that's a thing.

[both straining]

Anne: Okay. She is way too heavy.

Sprig: [panting]

Anne: Also, I'm crazy out of shape.

Sprig: What are we gonna do? We're stuck.

Anne: We have no choice. I'll stay here with Bessie while you hitch a ride back to the farm and...[groans]...go get Hop Pop.

Sprig: Good idea. It's the right thing to do, even if we get an earful. Back in a flash.

[grunting]

[sighs]

[scatting]

[yawns]

Anne: Ah, this is so boring. [groans] Wish I had something to read.

Anne: Fine. But just to pass the time. [coughs] Okay, let's see here. "It was an especially cold morning the day Bessie was brought into this world."

Hop Pop narrating: "The leaves had just changed color, and now I shall describe those leaves to you in great detail--"

Anne: Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

[grunting]

Sprig: Aha!

Sprig: Over here, over here. I need a ride.

[coughing] [tires squeal]

Sprig: Oh, thank you so much for stopping. I, uh--

Sprig: Oh.

Mrs. Croaker: Bless my socks. If it isn't Sprig Plantar.

[barks]

Sprig: [chuckles] Yep. Hey, uh, sorry about earlier. Got a little carried away.

Mrs. Croaker: Oh, pishposh. Sadie Croaker never holds a grudge, honey.

Sprig: Well, that's lucky. Will you give me a lift back home? It's urgent.

Mrs. Croaker: Oh, absolutely.

Sprig: Thanks, Mrs. Croaker.

Mrs. Croaker: Oh, my pleasure, honey. Well, go on and get comfy. Watch out for ol' Archie, though. His venom can cause paralysis. Now hold on to your eyebrows. 'Cause here we go!

[engine revving]

[both whooping]

Sprig: Can't this thing go any faster?

Hop Pop narrating: "And it was at that moment I realized Bessie was no ordinary snail, but a kind, clear soul who would help others at a drop of a hat. I raised my bid to 400 copper pieces, winning the auction, and in the process, saving Bessie from the nefarious Jim Snapes."

Anne: Yes! In your face, Snapes.

[grunts]

Anne: Man. This is actually pretty good. And I need to stop eating leaves.

[humming]

Sprig: Come on, come on.

Mrs. Croaker: You know what would make this ride go a lot quicker?

Sprig: What? Anything. What?

Mrs. Croaker: A song!

[vocalizing]

Mrs. Croaker: ♪ Ninety-nine jugs Of juice on the wall ♪ ♪ Ninety-nine jugs of juice ♪ ♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

Hop Pop narrating: "The snow swirled around us and I knew we were doomed. I could feel the strength leaving my body bit by bit. The sweet embrace of eternity crept closer and closer. Until suddenly I heard a sound pulling me back."

[warbling]

Hop Pop narrating: "Bessie... Bessie was singing!"

[Anne sobbing]

Anne: You go, girl. You noble, noble creature. Man. This is messing me up. [sniffles] Now let's see. Where was I?

Anne reading: "The reason Bessie had hidden in her shell was now very clear to me. A predator was close. And not just any predator. A natural enemy of snails."

[rustling]

[bird caws]

Anne: Uh... Hello? Uh, anything in here about this predator? Oh, there we go. Aw, it's actually pretty cute.

[snarling]

[screams]

[whimpers]

[snarling]

[yells]

[growling]

Anne: Cone on, come on. Yes!

Anne reading: "When Bessie senses danger, you gotta sit on her shell and yell at the top of your lungs, 'Bessie, things are getting messy!'"

Anne: Yes! Whoo!

[growling]

Anne: Eat our dust, hedgehogs.

[screams]

Anne reading: "If you still haven't escaped, give Bessie some berries from the secret compartment in the front of her shell."

Anne: Whoa, this is gross. Let's do this thing, Bessie.

[purrs]

[yelping]

Anne: Way to go, Bessie! You are the queen of the road.

[purrs]

Anne: All right, let's go home.

Mrs. Croaker: ♪ Take one down Pass it around ♪ ♪ No more jugs of juice On the wall ♪

Sprig: [sighs] Glad that's finally over.

Mrs. Croaker: One more time!

[muffled screaming]

Anne: Hey, kid, need a lift?

[purrs]

Sprig: Anne! Thank goodness. Okay, bye, Mrs. Croaker. Thank you.

Mrs. Croaker: Bye, darlin'. Next time, try to keep that road rage in check. [laughs] Yee-haw!

[cackling]

[whooping]

Sprig: Pretty sure I just got played.

Anne: That woman is everything I want to be.

[both groan]

Sprig: We made it. And it looks like Hop Pop's still washing Polly.

Polly: You'll never take me alive!

Hop Pop: Dang it, Polly. You're getting filth everywhere!

[crash]

Sprig: Hey. You coming?

Anne: I think I'm going to spend a little more time with ol' Bessie here.

Sprig: Suit yourself.

[door closes]

[purring gently]

Anne: Now where were we?

[snoring]

Hop Pop: [grunts] What the hey?

Anne: Good morning, Hopadiah.

Hop Pop: Anne?

Anne: I did it. I read the whole thing. In one night.

Hop Pop: Impressive. Kinda scary. But impressive.

Anne: I was wrong about Bessie. She's not just a vehicle. She's a noble, beautiful creature.

Hop Pop: And now that you've read this, all you need is experience.

[chuckling]

[evil laughter]

Hop Pop: I don't feel safe.