Anne Vs. Wild/Transcript

[wind whistling]

Anne: Blech. Hands are feeling pretty dry. That will not do. Lotion, lotion. Did I get zapped here with any lotion? Oh, hey. What's this? Oh, my gosh.

Anne: Guys! I brought a bath bomb from home and didn't even know it! Oh, yeah! Man, I can't wait to try this baby out. Uh...You guys going somewhere?

Sprig: Yep. The three of us are going to Camp Phlegmington. Gonna rough it outdoors and get filthy!

Anne: Wait, without me?

Hop Pop: Sure are. When we Plantars camp, we camp hard. No sense in you coming with us and being miserable.

Sprig: You know you hate dirt, bugs, rocks... and nature.

Polly: You're soft, Anne, like a baby.

Hop Pop: Really, you should be glad you're not one of us.

Anne: That's ridiculous. Me, soft? Pfft! Just because I'm not a Plantar doesn't mean I can't have a good time with you guys. Take me with you. Please, please, please?

Hop Pop: Are you sure? I wasn't kiddin' when I said "rough."

Polly: And I wasn't kidding when I said you were soft.

Anne: Super-sure.

Sprig: Aw, come on, guys. If Anne says she can handle it, she can handle it.

Hop Pop: Well, all right, kid. Hop on.

Anne: Whoo, whoo!

Sprig: Psst. Hey, since you're coming with us, we gotta lather you up with this gunk. Only way to keep the ticks away. [chuckles] Here we go. Ahh. And back around. Ooh. Looks like I missed a spot.

Anne: Totally not regretting this.

Camper: [grunts] Yeah!

Camper: Easy does it, easy does it. Ha! Aah!

Sprig: [grunts] Ahh. I can't wait to tell scary stories. The more teen frogs running from deranged psychopaths, the better.

Polly: [laughs] I'm just happy to get off the farm. So much fresh air, and it's all mine.

[inhales deeply]

[giggles]

Hop Pop: I personally love the peace and quiet. A frog can really hear themselves think out here. ''Did you leave the stove on? The front door unlocked? Will you die alone?'' Well, that was a mistake.

Anne: [groans]

Hop Pop: You sure you want to stay, Anne? You can take Bessie and go home if you need to.

Anne: Hey, hey, hey! Here's an idea. How about we stop questioning my decisions and get to camping together already? Who's with me?

Sprig: Yeah!

Polly: Good idea!

Hop Pop: Yeah, that sounds good.

Anne: [screams] Whoa!

[screaming]

Anne and Sprig: [gasp]

Hop Pop: Come on, kids, throw some dirt on it! Get some water!

Anne: (Scratches her back and finds huge spider)

Anne: [screams] Get it off! [screams] No, no, no! Get it off! Get it off!

Anne: (Rolls down hill in her sleeping bag) Whoa! No, no, no! No, no, no! [screams]

[thud]

Anne: Ow! Careful! I'm pretty sure those ticks caused internal damage.

Sprig: So, awkward question, but are you sure you wouldn't be happier back home?

Hop Pop: Seriously, Anne, no need to torture yourself. Take Bessie and go home. And don't you worry about us, 'cause we'll be just fine without you.

[echoing] Without you.

Anne: No! Look, I know it seems like I'm miserable, okay? But I'm not. It's just...It's just, uh...

[laughing]

Anne: I'm not used to such easy camping.

Sprig: Easy?

Hop Pop: Huh?

Anne: Look around you. Singing, butterflies, laughter. I guess I'm just used to something a little more... Extreme.

(Soggy Joe emerges from bush)

Anne: Ah!

Soggy Joe: So, this place ain't extreme enough for ya?

Anne: Uh, dang right it ain't.

Soggy Joe: [laughing]

Soggy Joe: [laughing hysterically] I can take you folks to a real campsite, one where there ain't none of this kiddie stuff, like shelter or potable water. Blech.

Hop Pop: Well, would a more extreme experience make you happy, Anne?

Anne: Uh, yeah?

Sprig: If Anne wants hard-core, we go hard-core. Lead the way, Mr., uh...

Soggy Joe: Name's Joe. Soggy Joe. [laughing]

Anne: Yeesh. Could you like, turn down the creep just a bit?

Soggy Joe: No!

[snail purrs]

Sprig: Aw.

[snarls]

[snail screams]

[groans]

Soggy Joe: We're here. We bunk here for the night. And in the morning, if we're still alive...

[all gasp]

Soggy Joe: I'll take you all out for pancakes.

Anne: Oh, that sounds great.

Hop Pop: I do like pancakes.

Soggy Joe: Want to hear a tale?

Anne: Uh...

Hop Pop: I'm good.

Polly: Hard pass, old man.

Sprig: Oh, me! I love scary stories.

[all groan]

Soggy Joe: Gather 'round and hear ye the tale of the Mud Men. Born in the bowels of the bog itself, the mud creatures stalk the inky night, lusting to devour any frogs that might have wandered into their domain. (Sinks beneath the mud)

Polly: Ten bucks says he doesn't come back up.

Soggy Joe: (Bursts up) Just like us! [laughs] Ah, yes. The Mud Men only fear two things. Daylight and being clean. Holy honey thistle!

Hop Pop: What? What is it, Joe?

Soggy Joe: Nature calls. Be right back.

Sprig: Is this extreme enough?

Anne: [screams] Uh... um...[laughs] What? No. I am loving this.

[Joe groans]

Sprig: Oh, uh, hey Sog Man. Everything okay?

[groans, falls over]

[all scream]

Hop Pop: Don't worry. Good thing I brought my copper matches.

[Mud man groans]

Sprig: It's the Mud Men!

[groaning]

Hop Pop: They're real!

Polly: And they're here for our delicious souls!

Anne: Oh, man, this is all my fault. Everyone, grab a torch!

[grunts]

Sprig: Back away!

Polly: [yells]

[all grunting]

[groaning]

[Mud Men moaning]

Sprig: Really wish we had some sunlight right about now.

Hop Pop: Or heck, cleaning products.

Anne: [gasps] I have something even better. Everyone, take cover! Peony Princess bath bomb! Good-bye, dear friend.

[grunts, spits]

[grunts]

[all groan]

Polly: Well, guess we're dead.

Hop Pop: Uh-huh.

[fizzing]

[both scream]

Mud man: The jig is up, boys!

Mud man: Quickly, before she throws another one of those things!

[all screaming]

Mud Man: Man, all I wanted to do today was get muddy and eat people.

[all cheer]

Polly: I can see your butt!

Hop Pop: Guess we were wrong to doubt you, Anne. You really are used to extreme camping.

Anne: [sighs] Guys, I have a confession. This extreme camping stuff is nonsense. I was miserable back there. I was just trying to cover it up.

Polly: So you dragged us to this horror show for no reason? Twisted. I love it.

Sprig: I don't understand. Why lie about it? Why be miserable?

Anne: I guess I've been feeling kind of left out lately. I'm not a frog.

Mud man: [grunts]

Anne: I'm not a Plantar. Heck, I wasn't even invited on this trip. I really like you guys and wanted to be with you, miserable or not.

Sprig: (tearful) I don't know if it's the sweet-smelling toxins or the overwhelming emotions, but dang it, I'm a mess.

Hop Pop: Next time, we'll include you, Anne, even if we know you'll hate it.

Anne: Thanks, you guys. Aah!

Soggy Joe: [groans]

[roars]

[all scream]

[groans, sighs]

Soggy Joe: Ooh-wee! [laughs] Good thing I wore my axe-proof vest, eh? So, what'd I miss?

Anne: Oh, pretty much everything.

Soggy Joe: Really?

Sprig: Oh, Joe, there were these crazy cannibals.

Soggy Joe: Wow.

Hop Pop: They tried to eat us.

Soggy Joe: Oh, serious?

Polly: Yeah, actually, it turned out they were just frogs.

Soggy Joe: Oh, no way.

Polly: Wimpy little frogs covered in mud.

Soggy Joe: Unbelievable.

Anne: And then we ran, we tried to use torches, it was all a big thing. It was very dramatic.

Soggy Joe: Yeah? Oh? Keep going.

Sprig: Anne saved us with her bath bomb.

Soggy Joe: Yeah, I smell it. It's great. Is that peony?

Anne: Yeah, that is peony.

Soggy Joe: Yeah, I have a nose for these things.

Anne: So, that's pretty much it. You're all caught up.

Soggy Joe: Oh, great.

[crickets chirping]

Soggy Joe: So, you all want to get pancakes early?

Anne: Oh, yeah, that sounds great.

Hop Pop: Let's get outta here.

Polly: I've always been more of a waffle girl, myself.

Anne: Guys, now that we've been through a lot, there's something I'd like to share with you. This is how I got here.

Polly: Wow.

Sprig: Shiny.

Hop Pop: Oh!

Anne: It's some kind of crazy music box or something. Have you guys seen anything like it before?

Hop Pop: May I?

Anne: Sure. I mean, it's busted.

Hop Pop: Hmm. [sniffs] Hmm. Hmm! Nope. Never seen anything like it.

Anne: Well, it was worth a shot.

Sprig: Anne, I promise... We're gonna find a way to get you home.

Anne: Thanks, Sprig. That means a lot to me.

Hop Pop: [yawns] Well, that's enough excitement for me today. I think I'm gonna turn in.

Polly: Good night.

Anne: Good night, Hop Pop.

(In his study, Hop Pop looks up music box in an old book.)

Hop Pop: [gasps] It's just as I feared.