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This is a transcribed copy of Fort in the Road.
Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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Sprig: Did you see that sign? We've officially left the valley. This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to anyone. Aren't you excited? I'm excited. You should be more excited.
Anne: I'm excited. You know, it's just, there's a lot riding on this trip for me, and I wanna keep my expectations in... What?
Anne, Sprig & Polly: Whoa!
Bessie: [chirps]
Anne: It's amazing. It's majestic. It's... hurting my eyes.
Sprig: It's even better than I could've dreamed. Full speed ahead, Hop Pop. Keep driving and never look back.
Hop Pop: Hold on, Sprig. Look back here for a second. Now that we're out of the valley, things can get dangerous fast. So... from now on we're gonna follow Hop Pop's Rules of the Road. By me, Hop Pop.
Anne, Sprig & Polly: [groan]
Anne: Another huge book? Seriously?
Hop Pop: You kids got a problem with books? Why, without books...
Anne, Sprig & Polly: "...our civilization would crumble to nothingness."
Hop Pop: The only way we'll get to Newtopia in one piece is if we follow these rules. Like this one here. Rule number 98: "Never strike a heroic pose on the fwagon." It's a sign of hubris that invites disaster.

Hop Pop: [to Sprig] That should keep your sense of adventure in check. All right, kids, let's stick to the rules, and we should have a safe and completely uneventful trip. Okay, thanks. Bye.
Sprig: Man, this stinks. Blap. All those adventures out there, and we're stuck in here with these dumb rules.
Anne: Not much we can do. My dad was the same way back home. One time we drove to the Grand Canyon and didn't stop once.
Sprig: Well, if anyone can figure out how to have fun with these rules, it's us.
All: Newtopia, here we come!
Hop Pop: Road rule number 29: "No shouting." Marauders will follow the sound and steal your skin.
All: [sigh]

Sprig: [gasps] A rainbow waterfall! Oh, we got to pull over.
Hop Pop: Hub bup bup. Road rule number 243: "All natural phenomena lead to an unnatural death."

Sprig: Zoom Dunes?
[snails revving]
Sprig & Polly: Awesome!
Polly: All right, Bessie. It's time to show the world how fast you can go.
Bessie: [revs]
Hop Pop: Uh-uh. Rule number 149: "Never drive faster than a june bug can fly."
Bug: [buzzing] [panting] [yawns] [snores]
Hop Pop: [chuckles] Good thinking, little guy. [yawning]
[rev]

Anne: Ooh, what's that?
Sprig: Whoa! Amphibia's Best Diner? Okay, we have to stop here.
Hop Pop: Rule number 193: "Don't stop anywhere claiming to be 'The Best.'"
Polly: But look! They have crickets and cream ice cream.
Hop Pop: Rule number 194: "No ice cream in the fwagon."
Sprig: Seriously?
Polly: You've got to be kidding me.
Hop Pop: Hey, hey. I just enforce the rules. I don't make 'em.
Anne: You did make them. They're called Hop Pop's Road Rules.
Hop Pop: Darn straight. And I stand by 'em.
Anne, Sprig & Polly: [groan]

Sprig: [grunts] I can't take it. All of these once-in-a-lifetime experiences are literally passing us by.
Anne: I know, and I really wanna complain about it. But road rule 345: "No complaining," takes care of that.
Sprig: I swear to frog, if one more cool and exciting thing passes us by...
Hop Pop: Red alert, kids. We're coming up on the "Ruins of Despair."
Sprig & Anne: [gasp]
Sprig: Whoa! Oh, oh, oh.
Anne: Whoa! What are those weird structures?
Hop Pop: No one knows, Anne. They've been here long before any written history. Just a mystery better left unsolved as far as I'm concerned.
Sprig: [groans] This place is the coolest thing I've ever seen. If I don't get out and at least touch something, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Anne: Don't sweat it, dude. I have a plan.

Anne: Hey, HP. I've never ridden in a wagon for this long, and I'm definitely gonna hurl. Can we stop for a second?
Hop Pop: Dang it, Anne. How do humans cope with such unreliable innards? Let me know when we can start moving again.
Anne: Okay, thanks.
[brakes screech]
Anne & Sprig: [grunt]
Anne: Go, go, go, go!
Hop Pop: Hey! Get back here, you two.
Sprig: This was your plan? Anne, you've done it again.
Hop Pop: Dang kids never listen to a thing I say. Polly, don't do anything till I get back.
Anne & Sprig: [laughing]
Anne: Okay, pretty sure Hop Pop's onto us. So let's take some quick selfies and get out of here.
Sprig: Yeah, yeah.
[beeping]
[Anne, Sprig screaming]
Sprig: [screams]
Anne: [grunts] Sprig!
Sprig: [grunts]
Anne: Look out!
Sprig: [grunts]
Anne: Buddy, are you okay? Whoa!
[hisses]
[squeaks]
Anne: What the heck? Are those computers? I thought you guys were like pastoral or whatever.
Sprig: I'm... gonna touch everything. Whoa, oh, oh. Ooh! Look at this. [laughs] [purring] There's so much to see. [panting]
Anne: I did a good thing.
Hop Pop: [screams, grunts] Do you two realize how many rules you just broke? 17, 29, 36, 55!
Sprig: [groans] Forget the rules. Look at this place, Hop Pop. It has everything. Cool atmosphere. Implied historical significance. Levers.
Hop Pop: Don't you dare! Rule number 68: "Never, ever pull a lever."
Sprig: [groans]
Hop Pop: [grunts]
Anne & Hop Pop: [both gasp]
Sprig: Well, look at that. I broke rule number 68, and we're all still alive. Whoa!
Hop Pop: What the...
Anne: Huh?
Machine: Start-up engaged.
Sprig: Whoa! The building can talk! Not sure how I feel about that.
Machine: Assembly line activated. Routine protocols engaged.
Anne: Assembly line? Guys, I think this is a factory. But what the heck is it making?
Hop Pop: Wow. It is mighty impressive.
Sprig: Ooh!
Machine: Additional materials required. Please place them on the glowing access point.
Hop Pop: Glowing what now? Help! It's got me!
Anne & Sprig: Hop Pop!
Hop Pop: [laughs] And it tickles. See this right here, kids? This is why we follow the rules.
[winces]
Hop Pop: That wasn't so bad. [screams] I'm not beach-ready.
Anne & Sprig: Hop Pop!
Anne: Sprig, you try to shut this madhouse down. I'm gonna get him out of there. [grunts] I'm coming, Hop Pop.
Hop Pop: Take your time, kids. Ooh. [chuckles] This ain't half bad.

Sprig: Uh...
Machine: If you wish to cancel the operation, please insert new disk.
Sprig: [knuckles crack] Piece of cake. [babbling]
[alarm blaring]
Machine: Security violation detected.
Sprig: [screams] Ha ha!
[whirring]
Sprig: You gotta be kidding me. [screams] [grunts] Hop Pop's book.

Hop Pop: Seriously, take your time, kids. [screams] I take it back! I was a fool!
Anne: Hold on, Hop Pop! I'm coming! [grunts] [groaning] [grunts] How's it going over there, Sprig?

Sprig: Maybe there's something in the book that can help. That kind of thing's worked before.

Anne: This is a little different!

Machine: Insert disk. Insert disk. Insert disk.
Sprig: Anne, what the heck is a disk?
Anne: I don't know! I'm from another dimension, not the '90s!
Sprig: [screams] [to the machine] Will you shut up?
Machine: Insert... What the heck? What the heck? What the heck? What the heck?

Hop Pop: I'm free!
Anne: Oop, got to go.

Machine: What the heck? What the heck?
Sprig: Whoo-hoo! We did it, fam.
Anne: No talking till the running is done.

Anne & Sprig: Yeah!
Hop Pop: Right. Road rule number 2: "Don't celebrate till you're completely out of danger."
[explosion]
Sprig: Come on, Hop Pop. The danger's clearly... Levers! Am I right?
Hop Pop: [grunts]
Sprig: I know. I know. We should've followed the rules.
Hop Pop: You think? You know, you two should be more like Polly. I told her to stay put, and look where she is. Where's Polly?
Polly: Whoo! [laughing] Boom, baby! Bessie made me do it.
Hop Pop: [grunts]
Polly: All right. I'm sorry, okay? That's the last time I break a rule, I swear.
Anne: Yeah, us too, HP. For the rest of the trip, we'll follow all the rules.
Sprig: Yeah. We just won't experience anything special, I guess.
Hop Pop: [sighs] Hang on a sec, kids. Maybe this only happened because I was being too strict with you. We've never taken a trip like this, and I just wanted it to go smoothly. So what do you say we set aside the rules for a bit and make a stop or two?
Anne, Sprig & Polly: [gasp] Really?
Sprig: Oh, oh, oh! Can we stop at the Hills of Impalement? I've heard it will traumatize you for life.
Hop Pop: Nope. I've got something else in mind.

Hop Pop: How's the crickets and cream ice cream, kids?
Sprig: Amazing!
Polly: So good! [munches]
Anne: You know, there was a time I'd pick out the bug bits. That time has passed.
Hop Pop: [chuckles] Glad you like it.
Sprig: Thanks, Hop Pop.
Anne: Man, I'm kinda bummed we didn't find out what that factory was making.
Sprig: Yeah, me too. Guess we'll never know. Guess we'll never know. Guess...
Anne: Yep, got it.

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